Monthly Archives

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Sat, 07/31/2004 — Sak

Recently, the Andore JR. staff took a week long vacation to Japan. We immersed ourselves in the culture neck deep, and we found ourselves blending in with the locals in no time flat. Click here for a staff shot!

A!

Sat, 07/31/2004 — Fasteriskhead


PROTIP!! Sakaki's serve rocks out like a motherfucker.

THE METRO CITY PHOTO-BLOG

Thu, 07/29/2004 — Bloiffy

The Metro City Moblog has opened for business! With only the best Final Fight styled graffiti found in the REAL WORLD METRO CITY KNOWN AS EDINBURGH, it is sure to be a hit!

1000 Words

Thu, 07/29/2004 — Bloiffy

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU

I CAN HEAR YOU !!!!!!

E-Mails That Never Received A Reply #3: To Acclaim

Thu, 07/29/2004 — Sak

The following e-mail was sent to Acclaim a little over a week ago. My leitmotive was to inquire into the motives of the development of one of their latter-day NES games. I never received a response.

Hey Acclaim,

Seriously guys. Total Recall: the game? What the fuck?

-Sak

Yar's Revolution

Wed, 07/28/2004 — Fasteriskhead

us spacefaring armored insect people are not taking this bullshit with homing missiles (rep. by the glowing line) and poorly-rendered asteroid fields and shielded bases that transform into reddish spinning death wheels any longer. it is long since time that we FIGHT BACK

Games That Never Were, Entry #17

Tue, 07/27/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Don't Copy That Floppy: The Copyright Caper

Company: SIIA/America Online

Platform(s): Mac/PC

Description: In this freely-distributed educational game, you will take control of the hip and savvy MC DP (short for Disk Protector) to learn about the perils of copyright abuse. The evil Floppy Filcher and his henchmen want to hypnotize the world into thinking that stealing software is okay, and it's up to you to stop him! Guide DP through three levels of Piracy Purgatory, solving puzzles and answering trivia questions using all of your knowledge of copyright ethics and the fallacies of theft. Watch out, though, as danger lurks around every corner, and Floppy Filcher will stop at nothing to defeat DP once and for all!

>> Read more...

Early to Mid-Game Management

Tue, 07/27/2004 — Fasteriskhead

During periodic breaks for food and soda, sometimes I wonder: what kind of control do I truly exert over my own existence? What choices do I really have in life, outside of the decision whether to try a zergling rush or not?

And in the end, the answer is none. None at all.

SOLID SNAKE HAIKU #1

Mon, 07/26/2004 — Sak

Sometimes I wonder
if Campbell is actually
listening to me.

Intragovernmental Politics

Mon, 07/26/2004 — Fasteriskhead


"WHYYY have you not allowed me to finish my mission?!?!?"
"YOU have not adequately supported me on this mission!!! And... it has FAILED..."

Yeah, yeah, close your goddamn trap Oh Great Emperor Palpatine. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, was I not being fawning and servile enough for you? Look pops, I run your entire fucking empire. Even if you could somehow reach through my moniter and choke (and/or fry via lightning) the living shit out of me, with that inept fucking droid IMP-22 running things you and that mincing jock Vader would be rotting in a prison somewhere within a hundred turns or less and then Mon Mothma or that pissant Skywalker gets your office on Coruscant. So how's about cutting me a little slack when it comes to YOU failing to recruit someone, huh, "boss?" I mean, who the hell were you thinking of bringing over to the table, anyways? Goddamn ZUGGS? Oh wonderful, come on over Lieutenant LOSER, welcome to the Empire, so glad to have you aboard, tomorrow you'll be shipping off to do repetitive diplomacy work over on Tangrene for the next couple of years (I'm sure you'll love it). Jesus Christ, this is the lamest oppressive regime ever.

A Salute to Jonathan Haas

Sun, 07/25/2004 — Fasteriskhead

This is easily the greatest Guile/Chun Li erotic fanfic that will ever be written within our lifetimes. And I quote:

"She closed her eyes and slowly moved her hands over herself, pretending they were Guile's... 'Oh, yes, Guile, yes,' she softly moaned as her hand stole inside her panties, gently caressing the wetness it found there. 'Oh, yeah, right there... oh! Oh, Guile! Ya tai! Ya tai!'"

...

"After ripping out the crotch of Chun Li's sexy battle uniform, Guile parted her sweet, creamy thighs, and entered her with one smooth motion, making her scream in ecstasy. This was the treatment she had been waiting for... the treatment she had been wanting all these years. She was slightly put off by the way he chanted 'Sonic boom! Sonic boom!' with every thrust, but this was more than made up for by the manly skill he exhibited."

Mr. Haas, I don't know who or where you are at the moment, but if you happen to be reading this then allow me to say that you are a GOD DAMNED HERO and maybe, MAYBE, the single greatest unsung writer of your generation. I am looking forward to your upcoming "Blanka and Dhalsim: The Untold Story" with great fervor, sir, and I already have a spot on my shelf reserved for it.

On Hope

Sat, 07/24/2004 — Fasteriskhead

As I sit there in the dark at 4:00 a.m. staring at my moniter, a voice in the back of my mind proposes, "Hey!! Maybe if I can get my Ice Blaster here up to level 30, then my life can change for the better!" It grows more and more convincing with each passing moment. "The fact that I've flunked out of college and my entire family hates me and my parents refuse to give me any kind of recognition or aid won't matter! While women may look at me with a mixture of disgust and pity and right now I seem to be destined to a life of bitter loneliness without a hint of love or intimacy, all that is soon to change! Today I may be stuck in a shitty, go-nowhere job delivering stale inedible pizza, and when I return home I may look with a certain grim joy at the knife I've placed on the edge of the bathtub (in preperation for when I will finally escape this hell that is life), but NO MORE!" Yes, for with only a few missions further, Admiral Algor will reach the big three-oh; at last I will be the king of single-combat damage, and finally I can know of that elusive "joie de vivre." Women will flock to me and I will reach the fame and fortune of which I have always dreamed.

Time passes. Of course, when Admiral Algor does eventually turn over, none of it happens.

>> Read more...

Samus Aran = Schenkerian Analysis?

Thu, 07/22/2004 — Fasteriskhead

The Metroid item collection music, a brief little fanfare that plays every time Samus picks up something of note, is a surprisingly ambiguous piece considering how short it is. The entire score is as follows:

>> Read more...

Great Villains in Gaming, Entry #14

Wed, 07/21/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Listen, and understand. Evil Otto is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, EVER, until you are dead.

The Homos (my custom MOO2 race)

Mon, 07/19/2004 — Fasteriskhead

BACKGROUND:
The Homos were originally engineered by the Antarans as an attempt to make a highly intelligent race of thinkers, philosophers, and scientists; to their surprise, however, all their creations ever wanted to do was suck dick like crazy. Dumped off on a backwater planet and left for dead (for the Antarans wanted nothing more to do with their gay ways), the Homos proved surprisingly resiliant considering their massive handicap of having to pound down a cock every few minutes. Rallying around their pink triangle flag, they now look up briefly from one another's crotches to gaze at the stars and wonder if, perhaps, there is anyone out there as faggy as them.

PICKS:

1/2 Food (-5)
-working in the fields would probably get their new outfits all dirty and grungy, and they have to go see the opera tonight.

-20 Ship Defense (-2)
-they are just way too busy choking down dongs to pay attention to their viewscreens.

-10 Ground Combat (-2)
-too fey and feminine to handle a rifle, also distracted etc.

Democracy (+7)
-it's a tough choice between this and a Unification government, but gay people are slightly funnier as squabbling girly men than mindless zombies wandering around groaning dongs... DONGS...

Cybernetic (+4)

>> Read more...

YESSSS

Mon, 07/19/2004 — Fasteriskhead

WE'RE #1

Finally we have beaten out Happy Hentai Home, itself one of the best sites ever created, to become the NUMBER ONE RESOURCE IN THE WORLD for information on Chun Li's panties. Extra special THANXXX to Drunken Master, truly one of the A-list of Andore Jr. commenters, for making this possible.

One Night Only

Mon, 07/19/2004 — Sak

NAMCO Arena and Ticketmaster Proudly Present:
ROBO Aleste and the Gley Lancers!

Penso che un sogno così non ritorni mai più
Mi dipingevo le mani e la faccia di blu
Poi d'improvviso venivo dal vento rapito
E incominciavo a volare nel cielo infinito


Volare, oh, oh!
Cantare, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Nel blu, dipinto di blu
Felice di stare lassù
E volavo, volavo felice più in alto del sole ed ancora più su
Mentre il mondo pian piano spariva lontano laggiù
Una musica dolce suonava soltanto per me


Volare, oh, oh!
Cantare, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Nel blu, dipinto di blu
Felice di stare lassù
Nel biu, dipinto di blu
Felice di stare lass

A plea from our heart to our gentle readers.

Mon, 07/19/2004 — Bloiffy

Does anyone remember the world-famous Sega CD CLASSIC known only as Night Trap? What I so desperately am desireous of is an mp3/movie clip of the revered karaoke scene, in which one of the many femme fatales sings the catchy and hip Theme From Night Trap. You see, this song utilises some of the eldritch harmonics of the universe and might actually lead to cures for AIDS, cancer and possibly also death, whilst also breaking down the barriers that separate the human heart and bringing us true elysium. A refresher of the genius lyrics:

Love is easy by the light of day,
You get the boys to play away.
But come sundown when darkness falls,
Passion burns, the danger calls.
So girls go out only if you dare,
You better be good,
You better beware!

Night trap!
Bad guys will find you!
Night trap!
Watch out behind you!
Night trap!

Girls...
You'll be caught in the night...
In the night trap!

E-Mails That Never Received a Reply #2: The DeBono-Square-Enix Connection

Sun, 07/18/2004 — Sak

The following e-mail was sent to Square-Enix of America aproximately a week ago; I wanted to enlighten them to the fact that they had the resources and perogative to develop and release upon the unsuspecting huddled masses an Edward DeBono electronic console game! They never responded.

Dear Square-Enix,

Hello, I've been an avid gamer and Squaresoft enthusiast for years upon years (I have to admit, however, that Enix's games have never truly appealed to me in the past -- this is one of my more idiosyncratic traits I wish to overcome in the near future). I consider the U.S. releases of Final Fantasy IV and Final Fantasy VI as, respectively, Final Fantasy II and Final Fantasy III, hallmarks of my childhood years.

I write not to you now to extol the triumphs of past glories (however much you may deserve them!), but to make a request. For at least as many years as I have been a fan of Square, I have been a fan of one Mr. Edward De Bono. His website (http://www.edwdebono.com) is filled with ideas that are truly worthy of note! His ability to conceive and execute new modes of thought has earned him the moniker of "NMT" (or, "New Millenium Thinker").

>> Read more...

Comfortable and AWESOME

Sun, 07/18/2004 — Fasteriskhead


RIGHT THE FUCK ON DUDE!! FUCK CASE CLOSED BRING BACK COWBOY BEBOP
PIERRE BERNARD IS THE VOICE FOR OUR GENERATION PEOPLE

The Interrogative

Sat, 07/17/2004 — Rev. Ragu

HEY PUNK! ARE YOU TUFF E NUFF?

Other fighting games attempt to lure you in with vivid scenes of violent fighting, promising that Many More Battle Scenes Will Soon Be Available. But Tuff E Nuff? No, it goes for the hard sell, directly attacking your manhood. It's almost as if the box art realizes that just five seconds ago at the game store you were staring longingly at Kirby Super Star, a damned fine yet absolutely adorable game, and Tuff E Nuff just stares right back saying "What are you, some kind of pussy? Have your balls been sucked inward by the sheer vaccuum of your major league pussitude and found their rightful place as ovaries or are you MAN E NUFF to take me on?"

>> Read more...

...We're Developing Artificially Intelligent Cocks...

Sat, 07/17/2004 — Fasteriskhead

notes 7/16/04: was hopeful yesterday of a breakthru while introducing Rei to well-tuned piano, but things went horribly wrong the moment la monte reached magic harmonic rainforest chord and chain reaction could not be contained... Rei was returned from the medical ward 1 hr ago, we are keeping her on steady intake of thel. monk and nin to keep her stabilized but I fear damage to mind+body is too great...

...tomorrow has session of charlie daniels band/snakefinger scheduled but I will probably cancel (strain = too much?) and sub. something easier, poss. sabbath/cex/d. kennedys (early polyphony? leonin too risky)...

p.s. fucking amazon still has not shipped disgaea or splinter cell, wtf get with it shitheads (will call tomorrow as soon as I find fucking cust. service number)

Games That Never Were, Entry #9

Fri, 07/16/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Real Muthaphuckkin G's Starring Eazy-E

Company: Acclaim

Platform(s): Genesis/SNES

Description: Guide Eazy through the streets of Los Angeles, fighting against the nefarious Dr. Dre and his endless hordes of studio gangstas!! Explore six incredibly detailed levels laying the 187 down on hos, suckas, FBI Agents, and the motherfucking police in your quest to help Eazy become an O.G. and confirm his status as a "ruthless villain!" Battle Ice Cube in Compton to see who will get raped with a broomstick, then cruise down the street in your 64 capping any knucklehead who tries to start some shit! Then, finally, storm the headquarters of Death Row Records, a death trap disguised as a gothic cathedral/'30s-era factory, where you will meet that mangy-ass skinny mutt motherfucker Snoop Dogg and eventually face Dre himself!! You can even have two players at once, with M.C. Ren joining Eazy on his crusade.

>> Read more...

COCKRUB WARRIORS RULE

Thu, 07/15/2004 — Bloiffy

-------------------
|ASCIIARTBYBLOIFFY|
|                 |
|                 |
| 8====|)~(|====8 |
|   -DICK2DICK-   |
|                 |
|                 |
|ASCIIARTBYBLOIFFY|
-------------------

>> Read more...

A Cautionary Tale

Thu, 07/15/2004 — Fasteriskhead

My arms and legs were like mud, only making lazy, halfhearted efforts to obey any commands I sent them. It had seemingly always been this way, but somewhere in the back of my mind something whispered, with increasing assurance, that once I'd been a man, that once I'd had a life... but that was all over now and it had all long since left my memory, blown away by the harsh mountain winds the same as the dust. My opponent, the one in the red, held an expression as grim and hopeless as my own; if he had ever told me his name, then I had forgotten it eons ago. It didn't matter anyways, as all we were ever made to do was fight. We did battle like blinded retards flailing at wasps, like action figures being slammed into each other with our plastic limbs wildly rotating around a single axis. As the guy in blue with the grimace yelled "BEGIN!" and we stumbled forward ready to completely embarrass ourselves once more for the trillionth time, like a shot from the dark realization slammed into my head: that dude up there is the devil, and I am in hell.

Jaleco Teaches Surrealism

Thu, 07/15/2004 — Sak


Ceci n'est pas une pipe.

An Appeal To Reason

Wed, 07/14/2004 — Fasteriskhead


Okay uhh I'm not here to tell all the freelance amateur translators of the world what they should and shouldn't be doing but camon boys couldn't your time be better spent doing something else? I mean, like, well, anything really.

(also how lame is it that half the time you give Vegeta a halfway decent attack card he decides to do shit-all with it and sits out the round? well I'll tell you: real lame)

Konami Teaches Twentieth Century Music Theory

Wed, 07/14/2004 — Fasteriskhead

The level design of Castlevania: Symphony of the Night uses two possible row forms. They include:

Prime:

Retrograde Inversion:

Both are at pitch level 0. Other possible row forms would have been:

Inversion:

Retrograde:

Gene Studies Lead To Breakthrough

Tue, 07/13/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Anaheim, CA (AP) -- Scientists at the Trusteeship for the Investigation of Teel's Syndrome yesterday published a study announcing the discovery of a genetic variation that may account for more than 60% of known cases of the disease in question, more popularly known as "Invinco Fever." Teel's Syndrome has thousands of documented cases in America alone, and countless other victims all around the world have gone undiagnosed.

"We're talking about making a huge step forward in the treatment of a massively widespread medical crisis that has gone nearly unsung until very recently," said project leader Dr. Sak Ritmo at today's press conference. "If nothing else, we can now inform people of their condition beforehand and allow them to tell their families, 'Oh no, here comes Teel's Syndrome.' Though there's still no known cure for Invinco Fever, the fact that we can now identify high-risk cases not only gives us the chance to treat people much earlier, but we finally have a key for studying the disease in far greater depth."

>> Read more...

The Videogame is All That is the Case

Tue, 07/13/2004 — Bloiffy

In the words of Wittgenstein, "Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of language."

The idea that the very problems of philosophy itself are not so much problems, that the questions asked are not really questions at all and all simply arise through a fundamental inability to define our own language's semantics is one that has plagued me night and day for as long as I can remember. Or at least, those fleeting moments of lucidity between times when I am tied down in the darkroom at the back of the Hole in Juan club, being forcefully penetrated from all sides by men wearing police hats, tiny leather jackets, chaps, huge handlebar moustaches and leering, lecherous grins. Also sometimes they have cigars hanging from their mouths. Those moments, periods whilst the semen dries into the rags that remain of my clothing, and the pleasure-pain that blinds my every thought slowly begins to recede, I ponder upon these things.

>> Read more...

Here in the Lab...

Mon, 07/12/2004 — Fasteriskhead

notes 7/12/04: results not as expected... Rei responded more enthusiastically to schoenberg than webern, berio, or stockhausen, disproving initial calculations... tomorrow experiments begin again w/evaluation of original misfits, also sir mix-a-lot if time permits, but now entire future of project has been thrown into doubt...

also: owe sak $5 for lunch @ subway... sandwich was dry/rubbery and nasty, seriously fuck you subway

YESSS

Mon, 07/12/2004 — Fasteriskhead

The leaf falls slowly
Parish links to Andore
The cherry blossoms
~~~~Sak

=

On Scientific Ethics

Mon, 07/12/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Ah, the paradox of science! Through our very efforts to better mankind, we have brought about things which may very well end the world as we know it. A double-edged sword indeed, and yet we press on, able to neither go backwards nor remain where we are. Indeed, for every child spared of smallpox, how many more have been mowed down by machine gun fire? For every mind set at ease by psychoanalysis and drug therapy, how many more have been driven to madness by the horrors of modern war or by the looming terror of nuclear annihilation?

I am on the verge of finding a key that will unlock the doors to cold fusion, free-roaming nanotechnology, and the cures for cancer and AIDS, and yet on the inside I feel cold, empty. Sooner or later what I've intended as a gift to the world will be perverted and turned against mankind for the benefit of a greedy few, and no one can ever put the genie back in the bottle. Will my work really make things any better? Will what I do, the discoveries I make on this day, truly help the world in any meaningful manner, or am I merely treating the symptoms and not the disease?


JESUS GOD FUCK

Andore Jr.: All Things to All Men

Mon, 07/12/2004 — Nice Pete

Although Andore JR., the website upon which you are presently gazing with all of your Face Eyes, has only been kicking up a tiny dust storm here in Internet Central for approximately a quarter of a metric fortnight, it is already many things to many people. Bloiffiko Breadman, for instance, is already using the server as a storage facility for his illegal stockpile of industrial-strength sulphur; on the other hand, Brandon "T-Eel" Teel, better known to his parishioners as the Right Rockin' Reverend Ragu, has a private room in the back garden next to the greenhouse in which he gains the trust of wayward adolescents by telling them tales of God-Jesus' epic triumphs over adversity, manic depression, and eventually God himself, only to abuse that trust by slipping mild hallucinogens into their whiskey, filling their pockets with coins, herding them into a nearby arcade, and watching events unfold however they do.

>> Read more...

~do you remember love?~

Mon, 07/12/2004 — Rev. Ragu

Hi there! My name is Brandon, I'm twenty-one years old, my astrological sign is scorpio, and my measurements are a SE-CR-ET. Basically, due to my lack of education and severe brain-damage stemming from my participation in an underground brawling circuit to bring honor to my motherland (The Democratic Socialist States of Canada), avenge my best friend who was murdered by the evil overlord DALK KRAIZER (One-time VBF champion and former Prime Minister Bear Hugger, we hardly knew ye), determine the fate of the world, and just plain do it for THE LOVE OF THE FIGHT, I was brought into this project to both fill their affirmative action handicap quotas and to bring an extra spicy taste of exotic Canuckian sex appeal to the table. Certainly, I may be mentally deficient, but much like a poor, hairy, broad-chested, budget-Labatts-and-Back-Bacon stinking Paris Hilton, you can see past that pesky lack of inner beauty to my GLISTENING MASCULINE PECTORALS. That and there's some poorly-shot videotape of me circulating around, and let me just say that I was young and stupid and that Bloiffy is a rotten son-of-a-bitch.

>> Read more...

My name is STEREOTYPE WITH AN 'A'

Mon, 07/12/2004 — Bloiffy

Good day, good sirs. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Bloiffiko Breadman.

I was entreated into becoming part of this jolly peregrination into the foothills of gaming's past, present and future history by my fellows-in-arms, who surmised that I might lend them expertise in areas that only ten percent of the world's population might be able to give. Yes, I am here to express the opinions and ideals of the homosexual minority. As any self-respecting videogamesplayerperson should know, it is vitally important to have the sentiments of someone who is sensitive and thoughtful, and likes CHOKING DOWN BIG FAT DICKS!!! Oh yes, I promise to give a Wildean insight into the nature of videogames, with articles such as: "Why We Must Pause and Evaluate the Nature of Chun Li's Underwear When She Performs a Spinning Bird Kick" and "De Profundis: Suffering Is One Very Long Moment... When You Keep Falling Off Those Fucking Ledges."

>> Read more...

All the prime overtones up to and including 31.

Sun, 07/11/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Hello there, you might know me from other websites as MR. ELITIST FUCKHEAD, however Pete, being the type of person that he is, keeps giving me new nicknames. First was the wonderous FASTERISKHEAD, (abbreviated to F*HEAD), next up was the possibly even more brilliant FSHARPHEAD (abbr. F#HEAD, oddly enough one of my least-favorite keys), and finally just recently he unveiled the radical and still experimental Eazy-F. We're still not entirely sure it won't kill us all, which is why I'm sticking to the proven, tried and true fasteriskhead for this circle jerk over M. Andore Jr. (esq.) here.

>> Read more...

I got you.

Sun, 07/11/2004 — Nice Pete

music: Renegade Funktrain - Love Theme From "Gotcha"

Hi! I'm Nice Pete! The SHY one!

MARXIST THOUGHT, INTERSUBJECTIVITY, AND THE INVINCO CONNECTION

Sun, 07/11/2004 — Sak

Since the dawn of time, humankind has been working towards one, and only one goal: that of death. This particular telos has been remedied throughout the ages by the greatest diversionary tactic that our minds could possibly conceive: games. Games have arguably required less and less of the imagination today than they did during, let's say, the proto-Hellenistic period of Greece -- after all, to Euclid, Aristotle, and Sophocles, geometry, philosophy, and literature were all merely products of their elite status in Athenian society. In modern society, videogames are identified as the most common form of recreation (the exclusion of sports is due to the fact that, in western bourgeoisie culture at least, rigorous physical activity isn't seen so much as a form of distraction or play, but as a form of labor) - however, the activity of playing a videogame isn't as so much seen as an aristocratic form of praxis, as it is aesthetically debasing, and holds little foundational or even pragmatic framework.

>> Read more...

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