Monthly Archives

At That Age

Tue, 08/31/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Oh my god what the FUCK am I doing here. I DO NOT GIVE TWO GODDAMN SHITS ABOUT NEWTON AND HIS THREE DUMB LAWS AND GRAVITATIONAL FORCE. More like weight equals mass times acceleration due to BORING. I do not want to learn all this crap, definitely not from some foppish refugee of the seventeenth century. I want to go home and play video games and eat pop tarts and talk to my dumb friends online about stupid shit that no one cares about and go to bed at four in the morning. And I want that prick Cube to give me TWO INCHES of breathing space so I can update my livejournal in peace.

And jesus, next week I have to WORK IN A FUCKING GRAVEYARD? Seriously dad what the hell.

Boggy '84's Big Date

Fri, 08/27/2004 — Sak

Uh, yeah. I, uh --- I had a good time tonight. My number? Oh, uh, listen I -- you know how the city has been integrating that new area code system in? Yeah, well they changed my number and -- (sigh) listen. Things just didn't -- they didn't pan out the way they should've. I'm a geometrically awkward thief with a cleft chin, humongous nose, comically crossed eyes, and a hilarious felt hat that refuses to stay atop my noggin, and you're a -- well, you're a monkey.

It's not that, it -- it's not the species thing. Well it's not just the species thing. That whole pogo trick is great, but Christ, you were doing it all night; I mean you knew you'd be getting attention all Goddamn night. Those fellows in the blue and yellow suits are still following us! Look! Listen, I just -- I need to go. As soon as I find my unnecessarily large car key on this gigantic ring, I'm outta here.

This also might not be the right time to tell you this but I believe the person who drew us might be retarded.

Your Video Card Is Not Good Enough To Run This Dating Sim

Thu, 08/26/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Well that's no surprise, considering I've been going after Pinky-chan this entire time.

I guess I'll choose Imp on the next playthrough.

Excerpts from the Livejournal of Pious Augustus.

Wed, 08/25/2004 — Bloiffy

my webcam

me @ home 17:30 25/08/04

THE UNIVERSE IS A YAWNING CHASM FILLED WITH EMPTINESS AND THE PEURILE MEANDERINGS OF SENTIENTS

WORTHLESS BEINGS WHO UNDERSTAND NOTHING! YOUR FATE IS SEALED AND I WILL RULE OVER YOU ALL IN THE PITS OF ETERNAL DARKNESS!!!

YOUR LIVES ARE BUT CANDLES IN THE WIND OF MY PASSAGE

AND TO THE SMART ARSE WHO COMMENTED ON MY LAST ENTRY -- FUCK YOU PAL!!! I'M LIFE'S BAD BITCH AND SCREW YOU FOR TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE ALL KINDS OF BULLSHIT ABOUT ME (I AM NOT A FAT GUY LIVING IN HIS PARENTS' BASEMENT I AM AN ETERNAL BEING OLDER THAN TIME ITSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE BEYOND YOUR PITIFUL MORTAL KEN AND IF YOU KEEP UP WITH THIS CRAP I AM GOING TO TOTALLY TRACE YOUR IP AND FIND YOU AND SUBJECT YOU TO CEASELESS TORTURE THE LIKES OF WHICH WOULD DRIVE ANY MAN TO THE PRECIPICE OF INSANITY)

Games That Never Were, Entry #141.15

Tue, 08/24/2004 — Tome

Synopsis: Utilizing his high-tech sneaking suit and communicator compromised out of Currently-Existing Technology, Milton sets upon a mission to infiltrate the Initech compound. Can he rescue his Swingline before the fiendish Bill Lumbergh discovers his presence?

Fate - After eighteen months of development, this destined-to-be-cult-favorite game was shelved when Sony began its multimillion-dollar multimedia advertising blitz for the upcoming Playstation 2. Konami's Ultra Games development team, having already garnered success with Metal Gear Solid - V.R. Missions and Metal Gear Solid - Integral, Ultra set about creating a new game set within the universe created for the cult-classic film Office Space, starring the mousy, paranoid software engineer Milton Waddams. Unfortunately, Konami decided that they did not wish to spend the fifteen extra dollars to port this would-be classic to the new-and-exciting Playstation 2. Gamers are left wondering what could have been.

The Needs Of The Many

Fri, 08/20/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Tecmo Teaches the Book of Job

Thu, 08/19/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Chpt. 10, v. 1-9:
"I loathe my life; I will give free utterance to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God, Do not condemn me; let me know why thou dost contend against me. Does it seem good to thee to oppress, to despise the work of thy hands and favor the designs of the wicked? Hast thou eyes of flesh? Dost thou see as man sees? Are thy days as the days of man, or thy years as man's years, that thou dost seek out my iniquity and search for my sin, although thou knowest that I am not guilty, and there is none to deliver out of thy hand? Thy hands fashioned and made me; and now thou dost turn about and destroy me. Remember that thou hast made me of clay; and wilt thou turn me to dust again?"

The Cost Of Moving On (w/bonus: Boxing Up Bullies)

Wed, 08/18/2004 — Fasteriskhead

i folks, F-head here. Look, I... I've got nothing. None of us do, I think. RUSH 'N ATTACK is one of the most important works of our age, an artistic and philosophical watershed, and all of us are faced with a profound loss in bumping it from the top of the queue. Let's face it: in a truly just world RUSH 'N ATTACK would be at the top of not just Andore Jr. but also every other page on the internet for all of eternity; In the year 20XX, fathers should induct their sons into adulthood by placing a pair of unwieldy (BUT FUTURISTIC) VR goggles over their heads and introducing them to the internet and RUSH 'N ATTACK, and when the little tyke asks, Daddy what is that naked man doing and who is Neil Peart, the father will smile knowingly and tell his boy all about the joys of falling in love, building a family, holding to the sanctity of the individual human being vis a vis unnatural control by governmental institutions, and so forth. But sadly, we instead live in a world of constant flux, eternal uncertainty, and the ever-approaching shade of Death, and so Andore Jr. must be updated again one of these days. I guess I'm taking the bullet this time, yet I'm too shocked by the enormity of my transgression (necessary though it may be) to actually come up with something creative or funny.

>> Read more...

A Dilemma

Mon, 08/16/2004 — Fasteriskhead

"Hey uhh, I guess none of you guys have seen like a time machine or maybe some kind of glowing portal or anything like that."

...

"But if you have seen something along those lines, or I guess maybe some kind of trickster-looking god type dude, then uhh, I'd like to know where, if it's no trouble or whatever. I mean it'd really help me out."

...

"Do any of you shitheads hablar inglés for fuck's sake? And uhh, christ dude quit staring at my crotch."

...That Suck Themselves And Also Each Other.

Fri, 08/13/2004 — Fasteriskhead

notes 8/14/04: final word came in today, they're shutting project down... committee must have finally heard the rumors, nothing else to be done. another six weeks & would have had a working model; i'd already determined that optimum piece of music for Rei had to be somewhere within recorded catalogue of phil "snakefinger" lithman, from there it was trial & error... too late now, career prob. over for good...

Rei was v. confused about all this, i actually broke down crying a little trying to explain it to her... later took her over to house from lab (no place for her to live right now), which was ok since wife left/took kids months ago. started drinking+talking a few hours back, somehow ended up in game of strip poker... have her down to bra & panties now, current objective is to remain smashed enough to keep from realizing what in god's name i'm doing & giving in to despair+overwhelming disgust w/self...

suicide = best option? will inquire about nonpainful methods tomorrow... poss. borrow one of steve's guns if shame = overwhelming & swiftness is needed...

Excerpts from Andy Bogard's Dream Diary

Thu, 08/12/2004 — Fasteriskhead

"Jul. 29: Me and Terry and Joe were on vacation and heading along a highway somewhere (in Terry's '97 4Runner). Joe had been driving for awhile but then I realized that I didn't know what town we were in, but I didn't want to ask them where we were so I just played it cool and asked Joe to pull over at the next exit to get some Wendy's. My speech was all slurred (had I been drinking?) but still everyone was pretty cool with this and Joe pulled onto the next on-ramp. The town we got into was pretty normal-looking, lots of friendly people on the sidewalks waved at us, they looked pretty surprised that we had an SUV. For some reason we completely forget about the food (I didn't find out where we were either) and we just kind of hung out in the town for awhile. We found a theater and watched Spiderman 2 again and afterwards Terry complained that the scene where Spidey gets all passed along on top of a crowd looked way cheesy, and Joe was really pissed when he said this (so I think he must have liked the movie a lot). Then we realized it was really late, so we went looking for a hotel and picked the first one we found. Mai was working part-time there, only she looked younger than normal and was being a total bitch and I kind of cussed her out after we got a room.

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Sonic Blastman's Dilemma, Vol. 1

Tue, 08/10/2004 — Fasteriskhead

"Uh, yeah, er. Look, lady, I was happy to save you from that runaway train or whatever... it's like part of the job as a superhero, saving lives and whatnot. I uh, I mean you don't even really have to thank me, I do this all the time. And uh geez stop STARING at me like that if you could, it's kind of freaking me a little. Look, it's really no problem, this is like a second nat-WHOA WHOA WHOA where's that other fucking HAND of yours lady please please you can QUIT that right about now thanks. Not interested, no no no, Jesus Christ I am so finding a rock or something to put you down on right this minute. And I mean... uh... you really can't TELL? Y'know, just from LOOKING at me? The boxing gloves, the scarf, the charmingly retro-futuristic moniter in the chest, the visor or whatever this thing is? I mean, it's not blindingly obvious at all?

...What? No no no, nothing at all, nothing at all. Look uh, I gotta go rescue some other people and uh you know. You can probably find your own way home from here I guess, and uh try to be avoiding those runaway trains from now on. Later miss, uh, whatever."

Stories from the Crime City

Mon, 08/09/2004 — Nice Pete

CRIME WAS THE WEAPON, JUSTICE WAS THE PUNISHMENT
a Raymond Broady adventure

>> Read more...

Sonic Team Image Song #1: Angels With Burning Hearts

Thu, 08/05/2004 — Bloiffy

Sega's Sonic Team are reknowned for their games with lightning-fast, intuitive gameplay. Or at least they used to be before they started churning out shite. Billy Hatcher and the Giant Fucking Pile Of Crap? Sonic And Tails and Knuckles and Rouge and Eggman's Tedious Fucking Crap Adventure 2: The Search for Mad Dog's Gold? No thanks. Well, at least their vocal songs have been of the same continuous quality ever since they started adding these pieces of poetic art to their games, as indexed here for all time. Enjoy!!

Burning Rangers - Angels With Burning Hearts

Glow of past we deliver to the future-land
For the growing world of tomorrow we strive
Passing through the matrix of data
Driving you into the cyber dive

Even when you are lost in darkness
You must believe in tomorrow, it will come
Just like angels with burning hearts
We'll face the risk of lives

Sight of night I cheer to embrace the magic
Visions displayed on the monitors
Can you see the moon and the stars and the sun?
Could they be in our imagination?

Sight of night I cheer to embrace the magic
Starting an adventure for our future
We are all hoping for
Setting out to lead us to new the universe

Burning Rangers! To the brand new sky we dive

>> Read more...

Atari Vampires

Wed, 08/04/2004 — Sak


2nite i will make u mine...
...under the pale moonlight...
your skin will softly glow
like the cool breeze and undertow
of the winds of a forgotten realm

i will take u 2 a magikal place
nary will u see a familiar face
(the arcade north of san berdino)
we will danse macabre...
...and play ms. pac-man...
'til the day breaks...
m'lady

The Mind of Jenny Lewis

Tue, 08/03/2004 — Sak


image graciously stolen from x-entertainment

How the Parable of the Holy Trinity did I get myself mixed up in this goddamn mess? Stuck between a literal retard and his dick-for-brains brother. God, I was doing better working the Vegas Strip scene; easier cash and better looking guys, to boot. Times like this that I wish that God would just grant me the ability to quit proscratinating and just pull the trigger. Man. I should've just finished that degree in Art History, really. Gotten myself a good-looking, educated, well-off man. Maybe teach a few classes out Truckee Meadows Community College, just part time. Seriously: a Nintendo Championship? What the fuck was I thinking?

FUCK OFF MOLLY SHERIDAN

Sun, 08/01/2004 — Fasteriskhead

"...I think we might have this perception, especially among people who don't play video games or haven't in along (sic) time, that the scores are very ping-pong, well, like Pong, and it's pretty stunning when you hear these full orchestral scores..."

EAT SHIT BITCH

Also: as interesting as the interview is (in a sort of incredibly boring way) I have to wonder why, among all the possible choices one could have made to represent the nigh-unsung music-makers in American videogaming, y'all chose to go after the dude who did the soundtrack for Sims 2. What, was Jeremy Soule not returning your calls or something?

Well uh, maybe... actually he probably really wasn't, I guess. Poor dude probably never even leaves the house anymore.

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