Monthly Archives

STRATA TEACHES ARTISTIC APPRECIATION

Wed, 09/29/2004 — Fasteriskhead

The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason.

-John Cage

West of House

Sat, 09/25/2004 — Fasteriskhead

You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door.
There is a small mailbox here.

>open mailbox
Opening the small mailbox reveals a leaflet.

>take leaflet
Taken.

>read leaflet
"WELCOME TO ZORK!

ZORK is a game of adventure, danger, and low cunning. In it you will explore some of the most amazing territory ever seen by mortals. No computer should be without one!"

>suck a cock
I don't know the word "suck"

>I'm a big queer
I don't know the word "i'm"

>hualughaguhagh
WARNING FAG ALERT!! Would you quit being a dumb cocksucker and start exploring the great underground empire already.

>hello sailor
Nothing happens here.

A Wacky Week Of The Sims 2!!!

Fri, 09/24/2004 — Fasteriskhead

(excerpted from second page)

After having given Queequeg Ganesha a while to adjust to his new surroundings, I decided the time was ripe to START A-KILLIN'!!! Notice how I have walled this guy in so that he can't get out, and he starves to death! And when he dies, DEATH HIMSELF actually shows up to take his life! And then his ghost haunts Ganesha's house afterwards! And... and... oh my god. I'm fucking pulling forth easily-observed humorous events from a video game in a way that was already done days ago in a far funnier fashion on a site that's actually devoted to gaming, and I'm presenting the sum as a work of comedy. I... jesus. What the fuck am I even doing with my life? Do people actually even READ this crap before they click on the dumb banner ad up there and kick us a few cents? Does anyone really give two shits about my concerted efforts to churn pages and pages of this stuff out on a weekly basis, or do they just mechanically click on the favorite tab every day and run their eyes over the stupid words? Fucking Christ, why do I even bother.

>> Read more...

On the Varieties of the Experience of Videogaming Love

Tue, 09/21/2004 — Sak

To my Dearest Daisy,

Feverishly scribbling down the the thoughts that manifest themselves in the inner-recesses of my mind, I find them trite, for I am a trite man. O, Shakespeare, your incomparable paradox; "Forbear to judge, for we are sinners all," yet -- we all judge. I have been judged by the very faculties of my love -- Daisy! O, Daisy! The very winter of my soul transcends into spring at the mere mention of your name! Your ability to inspire apes to kidnap you is known from the farthest stretches of land, yet -- my affections are misplaced, for you do not even recognize my face.

Pascal, o, damn'd Pascal! I do have much to lose, and the thought of your wager makes my very quintessence burn with a vivacious passion of rancor! Daisy, o, damn'd Daisy! The times you would entertain my brother in the parlour of our very abode, you would not even bid me adieu. My spirit was that of a boy then, and I am a man now. No longer will I be a trite man!

Daisy, the indeterminate has cleary kindled its fire in the passion of love! Daisy, o, Daisy! My heart burns -- extinguish it, for you are the only one who can.

With a fervent love,
Luigi

Wendy & the Peace Keepers

Tue, 09/21/2004 — Sak

Yeah, we're kind of like a proto-punk-cum-new-wave ensemble. Yeah, I mean, we've kind of got a Theoretical Girls meets Sonic Youth kind of sound, but with some poppier stuff kind of mixed in. We cover the Talking Heads' "New Feeling". What the fuck do you mean that you've got too many proto-punk-cum-new-wave bands on the bill? There's like four of us in -- what was that? Four billion? Oh, that's hilarious, pal. Why don't you come say that to my face, dickshitter? Oh, you thought us music-types are supposed to be sensitive?

Dude, I was in the Peace Keepers. What? No, not the Peace Corps! Fucking. God, do you even play videogames? Oh, ha ha. You're not eight years old, how long did you stay up last night thinking of that one? C-contingent upon the situation? Fuck you, man! We didn't need this gig, anyway!

2 CRUDE DUDES...

Fri, 09/17/2004 — Sak

...UNITED 4 WEST COMPTON

Amour de MONK (ad, 1st draft)

Wed, 09/15/2004 — Fasteriskhead

You've just arrived at Dharmasala, and it is your quest to become a full-fledged Tantric monk. Where will this grand adventure take you? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

Choose from over two dozen pre-made initiate models, or design your own using Amour de MONK's powerful character creator! Will your monk be a master meditator, carefully practicing the mudras to attain spiritual qualities? Or maybe an intrepid interpreter, learning other languages in order to share the teaching of the Four Noble Truths with Westerners? What about a maestro multiphonic singer, or a superior sand mandala manager? All these choices AND MORE are within your grasp!

Proceed through OVER THIRTY HOURS of single-player gameplay in your quest for enlightenment but BEWARE, as obstacles in your path towards the status of bodhisattva are around every corner! Anger and confusion seek to confound you at every step, and it will take all your skill with the vajra of compassion to attain prajna and escape from samsara! After that, battle with your friends in ONLINE MULTIPLAYER MAYHEM to see who is the least attached and who has best captured the true dharma eye!

ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH TO ATTAIN ENLIGHTENMENT AND RESCUE THE INNUMERABLE SENTIENT BEINGS? Play Amour de MONK and find out!!

Note to staff: this may be harder sell than initially thought.

lament of a technocop

Sat, 09/11/2004 — Fasteriskhead

GODDAMN I AM THE COOLEST-LOOKING LAW-ENFORCEMENT MOTHERFUCKER ALIVE IN THIS HERE FUTURE DYSTOPIA

TOO BAD I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN FEATURED IN A GAME THAT WASN'T UTTER SHIT, OH WELL AT LEAST THE TITLE SCREEN IS COMPLETELY AWESOME

TECHNOCOP!!!! (BAM BAM BAM) BUSTED!!!!!

DUN, DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN, DUN (REPEAT)

SOMETIME IN THE YEAR 2020

Fri, 09/10/2004 — Fasteriskhead

"Hey, sport!"
(on phone) "Oh god here he comes. Look, I'll call you back."
"Guess what I just found up in the attic!"
"What, Dad."
"I dug up my old modded Playstation 2 and my imported copy of Soul Calibur 2! Man, I haven't seen this since Oh-Three."
"That's... that's great, Dad."
"And I was thinking... you know. Maybe we could go a few rounds. I used to play a pretty wicked Raphael, uh, back in the day."
"I don't think I can, I'm headed out with some classmates to get pizza and then uh I think we're all gonna go hang out with cool uncle Holkins and be detached and ironic for awhile."
"Oh... oh, well okay. That's okay too."
"Oh god. What's wrong?"
"No, no, nothing... well, yeah. I mean you spend so much time with Jerry, which is fine, but I was... I was just hoping we could play Soul Calibur 2 together for a little while. And you know, bond or whatever."
(sighing) "Okay. But just for a little while, and then I have to go."
"Thanks, Gabe... thanks for humoring your old man. And say, did I ever tell you about that comic I once worked on with Jerry?"
"Yeah like every week Dad."
"Those were the days."

So I guess congratulations are in order.

And uh, also that's pretty much completely sweet and adorable. ROCK ON BABY GABE

GREAT MOMENTS IN GAMING ANACHRONISM: Bloodrayne

Thu, 09/09/2004 — Fasteriskhead

INT. SMALL APARTMENT - EARLY EVENING

We're inside a messy APARTMENT shared by two 20-something males. CHRIS, the enthusiastic ARTIST TYPE wearing t-shirt and jeans, is already here, sitting at a cheap-looking TABLE working on a SKETCH of a SEXY BABE IN BLACK LEATHER. After a moment JEFF, professional PROGRAMMER in business casual, enters.
Chris
Sup, dude! How was your day?
Jeff, exhausted and frustrated, COLLAPSES on the COUCH.

>> Read more...

Games for Children: Flaahgra

Tue, 09/07/2004 — Nice Pete

Flaahgra is a game for three or more players. It is an ideal activity for a rainy day, as it is played entirely indoors. Firstly, switch on all the lights in the house. Flip a coin or roll a die to determine which child will be the Flaahgra. The Flaahgra is given a blunt wooden instrument, such as a rolling-pin. At the count of three, the other players, or Bounty Hunters, must run around the house, switching off all the lights. The object of the game for the Flaahgra is to switch on any light that has been switched off, and to chase after the Bounty Hunters and hit them with his or her rolling-pin, thus delaying their progress. The game ends when all the lights in the house have been successfully switched off, at which point the Flaahgra must drop his or her rolling pin and be punched repeatedly by the Bounty Hunters until the Flaahgra or one of the Bounty Hunters starts crying. At this point, the lights are switched back on, and a new Flaahgra is selected.

Questionable Design Directions

Mon, 09/06/2004 — Fasteriskhead

This transcript is an excerpt from a three-hour recording sent to the Andore Jr. offices by a source who wishes to remain anonymous. It depicts a short chat between two programmers, and though the tape cannot be precisely dated we can determine from internal evidence (chiefly an extended discourse on how rad Van Helsing looks and what sounds like someone playing the Ninja Gaiden demo) that the conversation in question took place sometime in early 2004.

(01:49:23, excerpt begins. humming of flourescent lights; music, poss. electroclash; coughing, prob. from Voice 2)

Voice 1: Okay so uhh, this is looking pretty good. We've just taken the player and run him through Hell itself, in the process offering the most extraordinary graphical experience ever witnessed in a video game. That's pretty good, I mean I think we've done something that's pretty cool with this.
Voice 2: I think people will be very impressed with the Hell stuff.
1: Yeah. But now like, the game's still not done and we have to find some way to top that, and I'm not sure how. Like, it's hard to do. I mean when you've got rivers of lava and hellfire and the souls of the damned flying every which way it's hard to get more awe-inspiring and technically impressive than that.
2: And the dragon.
1: The dragon too, yeah.

>> Read more...

On The Varities of the Experience of Videogaming Humor

Sun, 09/05/2004 — Sak

The halcyon days of my youth -- I look back on them fondly. The summers spent fishing down by Baxter's Pond, the winter's time would best be put to use by cuddling up with a consort near the fireplace and reminiscing of foregone days. They were all unique, yet shared a common bond -- atop my dresser sat my Nintendo Entertainment System. O, siren! Let your magnetic sonority pervade my inner ear, and turn your the mathematics of vibration into the transcendental experience of the aesthetic! For rich is your tune, in a myriad of subsumptions! Lend me your voice, O, muse, and speak of the humor of the videogaming experience, that which makes Hermes laugh, that which enforces its queer ways upon poor Orpheus, loneliest of all souls!

>> Read more...

KONAMI TEACHES THE SYMBOLISM OF THE CENTER

Wed, 09/01/2004 — Fasteriskhead

"Paralleling the archaic belief in the celestial archetypes of cities and temples, and even more fully attested by documents, there is, we find, another series of beliefs, which refer to their being invested with the prestige of the Center... The architectonic symbolism of the Center may be formulated as follows:

  1. The Sacred Mountain - where heaven and earth meet - is situated at the center of the world.
  2. Every temple or palace - and, by extension, every sacred city or royal residence - is a sacred mountain, thus becoming a Center.
  3. Being an 'axis mundi,' the sacred city or temple is regarded as the meeting point of heaven, earth, and hell."

    -Mircea Eliade, The Myth of the Eternal Return

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