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January is Video Game Character Polio Awareness Month!

Fri, 12/30/2005 — Brooke

Every year, in growing numbers, thousands of innocent video game characters are stricken down with that most insidious of diseases - polio. Long thought to have been wiped out in the earlier parts of the 20th century, mean old Mister Picornaviridae seems to have come back with a vengeance recently, striking us where it hurts the most: in our electronic entertainment media. Below we see an unfortunate victim in the early stages of the disease.

Please, please don't let this happen to your video game characters. Have them vaccinated, before it's too late.

Christine's Wander and the Colossus fanfixtion [PART 1 OF 2]

Wed, 12/07/2005 — Bloiffy

The Wanderer awoke, alone, alone again, once more. The wind whistled through pillars, bathed in bleak light. The light of an almost-lost hope.

He pulled himself up, painfully, slowly, inorexorably to his feet, and surveyed himself. Clothes, tattered, torn, worn to shreds, skin blackened and hair shorn, no longer the colour of corn. He staggered out into the misty morn.

"Blorn," he said, mouth full of muck and vomit. His face, once soft and pure like an angel's, was now covered in scars. The mud was only washed away by tears, two rivulets marked cleanly down the sides of his face.

"LO," said the voice of God, high above, high and mighty and soaring above, like the wings of loving love he felt for Mono. Mono, who lay dead, died for him, his sins. His lust. Needs must. He'd do a deal with this God of Hellfire, and bring fire to the Colossi. The voice continued, echoing down upon him: "THOU HAST TO PRITHEE MILADY TO THINE SIXTEENTH COLOSSUS BETWIXT HITHER AND THITHER AND THINE SHALL FIND DEATH IN THE BRINE, CALVIN KLEIN."

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B U Y B O K O S U K A W A R B O N D S

Mon, 12/05/2005 — Usagi

It is the resolution of the Andore Seven that the incumbent government of Portugal is no longer fit to rule. Recent months have seen it revealed as a bungling shambles responsible for numerous unconscionable violations of basic human rights and international law, including but not limited to:

  • Use of demon-summoning rock mages, banned since 1954
  • Pseudo-random movement of fighting units in demilitarised zones
  • Seizure of the summon points of civilians to fund military expansion above and beyond the 180 units permitted under the Hague laws
  • The internment of foreign nationals inside various indistinct terrain elements (trees, boulders, irregularly positioned red brick walls)

These grave infractions have left the Andore Seven with no choice but to formally declare Bokosuka War on the nation of Portugal. There is no longer any possibility of a Bokosuka Peaceful Resolution in this matter and we will not rest until the despot King Portugal flees antlike before our mighty conglomerated form and his bleak and inky land stretches liberated behind us.

In the name of the Bokosuka War Effort, I, Usagi, vow to go to the left a bit, wobble erratically for several seconds, then head rapidly down to the Southern extremity of the theatre of operations, where I shall remain for an indefinite period. This is my example to those who will follow.

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