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Actual Ads From Google: Discount Genghis Khan

Fri, 01/30/2009 — Rev. Ragu

Often, while thinking about which video games I would like to play, my mind drifts in the direction of Genghis Khan. What a game that would make! Temujin and his rabble of bloodthirsty nomads beating the hell out of those hot-shit Jin Dynasty Chinese, extending into the Middle East, genociding the fuck out of anyone in his way before genocide got such a bad rap, spreading his seed into half the women on the continent... Now that would be a game! I've tried the other historical simulations. Banditry with some Kings of Ancient China ain't wetting my water margin, Romancin' those Three Kingdoms can't hold my Han together, even Nobunaga's ambitions aren't nearly big enough for me, I want my Genghis! Unfortunately, when I see GENGHIS KHAN GAMES, I think "Gosh, aren't these a bit too expensive? With all these bills I have to pay, how can I possibly afford a GENGHIS KHAN GAME?"

Not anymore!


Courtesy of November of #X68000, click to see the full sized ad in all its blinky splendor

With DiscountGenghisKhan.com, worry no more about Genghis Khan games being just out of your reach! Now anyone can own a Genghis Khan game, and at a slaughter of a price! Fight your way to the biggest contiguous empire in the history of the world! Navigate your way through impenetrable reams of Koei menus which put you right in the action! All for a mere pittance! At these prices, you're practically pillaging our warehouses and raping our womenfolk! You "khan" run, but you "khan't" walk to these unbelievable deals, and when you see what's left in your wallet, you'll be saying "Cha-Chinggis!" too!

A Paean to Ace Ebb

Wed, 01/28/2009 — Rev. Ragu

Great players come and go, but true masters must be treasured; for they are but a speck of sand in a sea of mediocrity. In 1989 we were introduced to such a master - a Nintendo Master. Not so much a player as he was an artist; in the ease and confident grace he strode through worlds three steps at a time, it was something akin to a ballet performance, poetry in motion. He was Ace Ebb, Nintendo Master, conqueror of worlds, the man with the custom NES Advantage.

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Point of Haggar #2

Sat, 01/24/2009 — Rev. Ragu

It's been a long time since ol' Mike here "machotized" all you Haggarmaniacs out there! Well, as I'm sure you all know from listening to my syndicated AM talk radio program, I've been busy! While I haven't been pounding the pavement, driving the punks and the street scum out of town with the force of my hard fists and hard holds as much anymore, I've been putting the elitist liberal establishment in my trademark spinning piledriver and slamming them down on that hard concrete sidewalk called "truth". As you may have heard, It's been a historic week, and while I don't approve of Mr. Obama's big-spending, pantywaist, soft-on-crime, liberal hemming and hawing, I can respect that this is a first, and opens up a lot of doors for a lot of people. Why, just think, in another four years, maybe America will be ready for a former street fighter turned wrestler turned big city mayor as president. And believe you me folks, this country is going to need a full-on reverse backdrop after four years of liberal bullshit.

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E-MAILS THAT SUPRISINGLY RECEIVED A REPLY: DEAREST TAITO

Mon, 01/19/2009 — Sak

Update: For the first time in E-Mails That Never Received a Reply's five year and four post history, this e-mail has received a reply. Over a week after having sent the e-mail. Check below the original e-mail for FUN.

Dear Taito Corporation,

Throughout the years, I have been a fan of your series of Bubble Bobble games. The adventures of Bub and Bob are, in my humble opinion, among the greatest stories of the 20th century, rivaling the Bildungsromanesque overtones of Mann's "Magic Mountain" and Tarkovski's paean to mysticism, "Nostalghia". However, why did you guys ever bother to create games based on Bub and Bob's human adventures? Parasol Stars is pedantic and meandering and Rainbow Islands is simply straight up fucking stupid. Please don't remake these games. If you already have and I just didn't know about it, then dang. That ain't cool.

Write back please.
-Sak

Taito's Reply:

Dear Mr. Sak

Thank you very much for being a fan of Bubble Bobble.

We appreciate your evaluation of our games, especially contrasting to the literature masterpiece is quite unique,

Though we are not able to reveal our future game development map, your precious comment is forwarded to our product planning department in order to reflect to product planning,

with kindest regards

Taito Corporation Europe

ANDORE AND POISON TEACH SEXUALITY

Sun, 01/18/2009 — Sak

Why is our body, for us, the mirror of our being, unless because it is a natural self, a current of given existence, with the result that we never know whether the forces which bear us on are its or ours -- or with the result rather that they are never entirely either its or ours. There is no outstripping of sexuality any more than there is any sexuality enclosed within itself. No one is saved and no one is totally lost.

--Maurice Merleau-Ponty

ALBATROSS TEACHES MALT LIQUOR

Thu, 01/15/2009 — Fasteriskhead

Hello and good afternoon, dear Andore readers!

I admit to being surprised when the editors of this fine site first asked me to pen something on their behalf. It's not often that retired Interpol agents get looked up, especially after that whole misunderstanding from a several years back regarding a few dead bodies and a long vacation in the Hague with the International Criminal Court. People tend not to want to publish your essays after that.

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Derek Yu teaches Totalitarianism

Wed, 01/14/2009 — Ackman

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a yeti throwing a human face into an ice wall—forever.

TOP FIVE SEXY SEX SEX VIDEO GAME SEX FUCK

Tue, 01/13/2009 — Rev. Ragu

Gentle readers; as Fasteriskhead previously announced, we have been bought out by Camo Brewing. While this means that the terrible convulsions and cold sweats are finally over, it does also mean that we're a shell of what we once were - an Andore One Point Four to our former Andore Seven. But we've promised to bring you the same top shelf video game laffs for bottom shelf prices. Just like Camo brand Malt Liquor, we're the smooth taste that creeps up on you. Due to contractual obligations and certainly not because of extreme chemical dependency fueling a desperate need to satisfy our new sugar daddy corporate overlords, we're going to keep bringing you more and more of our unique takes on the wild 'n wacky world of video games with our usual intelligence and irreverent wit. So climb into your comfiest chair, sip and savour an ice cold Camo, and come along with me for the show!

TOP FIVE SEXY SEX SEX VIDEO GAME SEX FUCK

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Arcade Classics: Caged Bird

Thu, 01/08/2009 — Brooke

Caged Bird is an anomaly in Sega's library, but not as much of one as some might think. The early nineties were the heyday of the big literacy push in American schools. After the ridiculous success of Nintendo's Wally Bear and the NO! Gang, it was hoped that a similar approach might work in encouraging children to read, and a series of 'Arcade Classics' were planned. The first, 1992's Gr8 X-pectations, became a critical and commercial success in Japan, paving the way for future titles.

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UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

Wed, 01/07/2009 — Fasteriskhead

Dear Andore Jr. Readers,

As you may have heard in recent rumors, Andore Jr. has indeed suffered greatly in the economic downturn of the past year. We're certainly proud of our recent relaunch and the success of the humor products we've released, which have been highly successful. However, sadly, several of our investment side projects in "playing the market" have not gone quite as planned. Recent claims to the effect that "Andore Jr. is a finance/investment firm with a small video game humor arm" are, of course, untrue. All the same, we in the Andore management had indeed placed much of our hope (and nearly all the millions of dollars we'd made over the years) into these "plays." While we still feel that our recently purchased California and Florida property will find interested buyers soon and that our AIG stake can turn around, we must admit at the moment that our speculation caused a slight liquidity problem.

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KONAMILAND WARS OF '89

Wed, 01/07/2009 — Sak

Gentlemen, welcome to war. Don't tell me that you've been in the shit unless you were in the Great Konamiland Wars of 1989. Belmonts and Mad Dogs, Scorpions and Big Bosses alike all lost a little somethin' over there. Overseas, they don't give a shit if you have a 2P back home, or about the city bombers that you left behind, and they sure as fried double dribbl'd shit don't care about your Bro. Wesson and Bro. Smith.

I can still smell the shit on my boots and the hairspray in the air, man. Trudgin' knee deep in that fuckin' loam, man. And for what? For what? So those fuckers back home won't even release Break Shot? Do you know what it's like to watch an anthropomorphic penguin die in your arms? Not a pleasant experience, let me tell you. Do you know what it was like to tell Hanako that she wouldn't be able to grow old (up to about 24 years) with her husband? Ain't too fuckin' pretty.

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FROM THE CASE BOOK OF CRANTON STAGGS

Mon, 01/05/2009 — Sak

Mitsy was the belle of the ball as far as the residents of Newton, Idaho were concerned. She had it all: fast cars, faster men, and even faster cars than the fast cars that she already owned. That's right, Mitsy was on the fast track to success, but what she didn't know was that someone had secretly derailed that track, and silently replaced it with another track: the fast track to death.

Mitsy's twenty-third birthday was coming up, and Fenton Fox had bought her a ring. This was no ordinary ring, however. It was a ring that signified that he wished to be engaged to be married to her (eventually). If she said no, then, well, that was not exactly too cool in his book. He had bought the ring for her, so that she would know that he wanted to get married; not just to anyone, either, but to her. Fenton was walking up to Mitsy's door with the swagger of a man who was just about to ask someone to marry him; but then, all of the sudden, he was stabbed by a shadowy new wave punk rock character.

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Final Lolita 1917-2009

Sun, 01/04/2009 — Rev. Ragu


Ethel Lolita
3/10/1917 - 1/4/2009

Ethel Lolita, final surviving member of the Lolita Quintuplets, has passed away quietly in her sleep. She was 91.

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