MOVING ON UP

Sat, 10/31/2009 — Rev. Ragu

Greetings, Andoremaniacs and Poisonphiliacs, Haggarlovers and Guyfriends; but if you like Cody you can straight-up fuck off! Ha, ha! Just kidding, no one likes Cody.

Like the proud people of the planet Darius, we've been driven from our ancestral home; driven by giant mechanical fish of whom, we had been assured, were "approaching fast". For that long week we've been scattered, beaten, and marginalized. Yet, no matter how dark the days became, no matter how many clouds kept us from seeing the sun in the sky and warmth of our creator (Takahiro "T. Himoto" Himoto), we never lost faith - Faith in the cold, refreshing taste of CAMO brand malt liquor, the smooth taste that you won't see coming. With hope in our hearts and Camo on our breath, love set us free, and we stumbled and propellered with the grace of a lager-drunk ballerina face-first into The Motherland.

No longer are we the 2P to another's 1P, the red guy to the other's blue guy, the Pop to someone's Chack'n! We are no longer content to play this cosmic Goldeneye game with the shitty red controller with the broken analogue stick against the dude who owns the Nintendo 64 and has memorized all the fucking levels and insists on playing on License To Kill! Andore Jr. is now its own man, to shine on its own, free from the yoke of an oppressive domain name of which it is perpetually the sub. Like at the end of Double Dragon on the Nintendo where Jimmy Lee was revealed to be behind all the Bull Shit, we've come out from the darkness and revealed ourselves to be the true Shadow Boss. And now, only twelve ethnically diverse martial artists from around the world can stop us, after battling through a brutal, no-holds-barred, free-for-all bloodsport of our design...

Welcome to Andorejr.com!

...Sak's Boner Wave is really fucking cheap, by the way, and he pretty much just spams it for the whole match. Fucking SNK bosses.

UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

Wed, 01/07/2009 — Fasteriskhead

Dear Andore Jr. Readers,

As you may have heard in recent rumors, Andore Jr. has indeed suffered greatly in the economic downturn of the past year. We're certainly proud of our recent relaunch and the success of the humor products we've released, which have been highly successful. However, sadly, several of our investment side projects in "playing the market" have not gone quite as planned. Recent claims to the effect that "Andore Jr. is a finance/investment firm with a small video game humor arm" are, of course, untrue. All the same, we in the Andore management had indeed placed much of our hope (and nearly all the millions of dollars we'd made over the years) into these "plays." While we still feel that our recently purchased California and Florida property will find interested buyers soon and that our AIG stake can turn around, we must admit at the moment that our speculation caused a slight liquidity problem.

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The Origins of Andore Jr.

Wed, 12/31/2008 — Rev. Ragu


~Gather 'round people, let me tell you a story
About a web site that was known as Andor..y~

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Where is the NHK TV Camera? Hello Andore Jr.!

Wed, 12/31/2008 — Rev. Ragu

It's been a while, friends. When we last left Andore Jr. before we got cancelled due to middling ratings in the 3:30 AM timeslot adjacent to reruns of "Wings", we were engaged in a harrowing struggle with DEATH-LOAD DALK KRAIZER. Bloodied and beaten, with Nice Pete already having made the ultimate sacrifice to fend off DALK KRAIZER'S right hand man BALZACK, Fasteriskhead summoned the last of his strength and raised the magical sword GESCHLECHTBUMSER against the demon lord. Lunging forth and with a tremendous scream, everything froze and transitioned into a sketch, and the credits rolled to the tune of the hit song "Mug Smashers ~a true lonely to the heart~" by Japanese Rock Supergroup POWER'S COCK. For years, there was neither hide nor hair to be found of the once-great Andore Seven, and fans cried out for Andore Jr. to continue, to give them some sense of closure.

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Did You Know: Jerry Orbach

Wed, 08/03/2005 — Sak

DID YOU KNOW...

Jerry Orbach, known mainly for his role on the hit television drama Law & Order was born into a family already familiar with the biz? His father was a former vaudevillan and his mother was a radio singer! Jerry was also a chauffeur to none other than Hollywood sex pot Mae West!

D-did'ya also know what half of the Andore staff were members of the Seattle Seven? A-and that two of us are addicted to heroin? A-a-a-and one member has six toes on one foot? And that all seven of us have made love to Marianne Faithful when she was still dating Mick Jagger? And Deepthroat, yeah, that was us.

WELL NOW YOU DO!

they keep this up for the whole game folks

Mon, 08/01/2005 — Fasteriskhead

"Are you saying that the American government is actually a front for an international conspiracy? Do you have any proof?"

"Yes, J.C., but not just the U.S.: we're talking here about a global organization whose roots in the new world stretch as far back as Magellan at the least. We have numerous eyewitness accounts of a number of giant men in red spotted wifebeaters assisting the colonists during the French and Indian War, and that's not even mentioning any number of photographs, all disavowed by the executive branch, of the same mysterious figures piledriving the planes of the luftwaffe."

"Armies have always required and used special operation forces to give themselves an edge. Even if they existed, that doesn't mean they have any kind of extragovernmental authority."

>> Read more...

Andore JR! You must live again!

Fri, 06/10/2005 — Bloiffy

All too long, Andore has lain dormant. Silent. Like a boulder. No, like an igneous rock, what was once molten lava! Yes, that's right. Andore JR was once aflame, burning bright, and now all is quiet, the flames somehow extinguished. But do you know what hides within that rock, gentle reader? DIAMONDS. And do you know what diamonds buy you? That's right. True love.

We have looked at the past of videogaming, here at Andore JR HQ. But now we must look to the present, and to the future. The future in which electrons and light flow throughout the universe. The future in which exciting new videogames are being developed. Games like... FINAL FANTASY VII: DIRGE OF CERBERUS, and FINAL FANTASY VII: BEFORE CRISIS, and FINAL FANTASY VII SNOWBOARDING.

God I'm wet. God I'm hot. God I'm wet and hot and most of all, turgid with the sheer terrifying thrill of what's to come. The future is now. The next generation will be here any moment (when they finally invent the chips that will power the PS3 and when Nintendo actually admit they don't have anything that would constitute a revolution and when Microsoft just gives up and goes back to making shitty things for PCs). Get ready!


Go!

INFOTATIONAL SATIRICAL WEBJOURNAL ANDORE JR CRISIS

Thu, 11/04/2004 — Bloiffy

Terrible news, my dears. Terrible news. I have returned from my busy schedule of suckin' big dicks and homphing down big globs of stringy spooge and I bring grave news. Fagfiction dot net will sadly be closing in a month. SO BASICALLY WE NEED TO HAVE A DONATION DRIVE !!!!!! DONUT LET ANDORE DIE KIDS

We need to raise TWENTY GOLDS to pay for the cost. The cost of a PUFF PUFF, THAT IS !!!!

Actually we will probably setting up a different server or something so uh don't worry too much I guess.

BUHHHHH

Sun, 10/31/2004 — Fasteriskhead

WELL IT'S OFFICIAL

THE ANDORE JR. STAFF IS NOW:

W A Y   T O O   B U S Y

AND ALSO:

C O M P L E T E L Y   O U T   O F   I D E A S

TRY US AGAIN TOMORROW MAYBE WE WILL HAVE SOMETHING FUNNY BY THEN

OR AT LEAST SOMETHING PRETENTIOUS

©2004-2010 The Andore Seven