Satirical Blog

Fri, 10/22/2004 — Fasteriskhead

WE ALL MAKE COMIC STRIPS FROM SCREEN GRABS AND HIGHLIGHT THE DILEMMAS FACED BY VIDEOGAME CHARACTERS

BUT !!

WHICH ONE OF US IS THE REAL THE AUTHOR ??????

ONLY THE AUTHOR CAN CLEAN UP THE VILLAINS AND IMPROVE THE PEACE OF OUR TOWN FROM ITS WORST CONDITION EVER

Public Apology

Thu, 10/14/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Hi folks, uh, Fasterisk here. Look, I, uh... you're probably all wondering where the Katamari Damacy joke is. I mean come on it's been what, three weeks since this thing has come out, and we're clearly lagging way behind all the other gaming sites by not having an entry devoted to something along the lines of Hey! You roll over things and pick them up into a big ball! That's W E I R D !!

This is a great failure on our part. Now, it is in fact up there on the big white project board, written in bright green washable marker: right above "Man there is just TOO MUCH BLOOD in Mortal Kombat" and right below "Time Dominator is the HUGEST Sonic ripoff ever!!" there is the entry, "Katamari Damacy = FREAKY!!!" Though unfortunately circumstances have not allowed it, I do plan sometime in the future to write a hilarious entry presenting the most awesome aspects of the game with my own indication somewhere nearby of WOW HEY MAN THAT SHIT IS NOT NORMAL. In lieu of presenting such an entry now, which is beyond my ability, I offer an ANDORE JR COUPON that may be redeemed for a Katamari Damacy joke at some future time.


C L I P  A N D  S A V E ! ! !

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The Cost Of Moving On (w/bonus: Boxing Up Bullies)

Wed, 08/18/2004 — Fasteriskhead

i folks, F-head here. Look, I... I've got nothing. None of us do, I think. RUSH 'N ATTACK is one of the most important works of our age, an artistic and philosophical watershed, and all of us are faced with a profound loss in bumping it from the top of the queue. Let's face it: in a truly just world RUSH 'N ATTACK would be at the top of not just Andore Jr. but also every other page on the internet for all of eternity; In the year 20XX, fathers should induct their sons into adulthood by placing a pair of unwieldy (BUT FUTURISTIC) VR goggles over their heads and introducing them to the internet and RUSH 'N ATTACK, and when the little tyke asks, Daddy what is that naked man doing and who is Neil Peart, the father will smile knowingly and tell his boy all about the joys of falling in love, building a family, holding to the sanctity of the individual human being vis a vis unnatural control by governmental institutions, and so forth. But sadly, we instead live in a world of constant flux, eternal uncertainty, and the ever-approaching shade of Death, and so Andore Jr. must be updated again one of these days. I guess I'm taking the bullet this time, yet I'm too shocked by the enormity of my transgression (necessary though it may be) to actually come up with something creative or funny.

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Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Sat, 07/31/2004 — Sak

Recently, the Andore JR. staff took a week long vacation to Japan. We immersed ourselves in the culture neck deep, and we found ourselves blending in with the locals in no time flat. Click here for a staff shot!

Andore Jr.: All Things to All Men

Mon, 07/12/2004 — Nice Pete

Although Andore JR., the website upon which you are presently gazing with all of your Face Eyes, has only been kicking up a tiny dust storm here in Internet Central for approximately a quarter of a metric fortnight, it is already many things to many people. Bloiffiko Breadman, for instance, is already using the server as a storage facility for his illegal stockpile of industrial-strength sulphur; on the other hand, Brandon "T-Eel" Teel, better known to his parishioners as the Right Rockin' Reverend Ragu, has a private room in the back garden next to the greenhouse in which he gains the trust of wayward adolescents by telling them tales of God-Jesus' epic triumphs over adversity, manic depression, and eventually God himself, only to abuse that trust by slipping mild hallucinogens into their whiskey, filling their pockets with coins, herding them into a nearby arcade, and watching events unfold however they do.

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~do you remember love?~

Mon, 07/12/2004 — Rev. Ragu

Hi there! My name is Brandon, I'm twenty-one years old, my astrological sign is scorpio, and my measurements are a SE-CR-ET. Basically, due to my lack of education and severe brain-damage stemming from my participation in an underground brawling circuit to bring honor to my motherland (The Democratic Socialist States of Canada), avenge my best friend who was murdered by the evil overlord DALK KRAIZER (One-time VBF champion and former Prime Minister Bear Hugger, we hardly knew ye), determine the fate of the world, and just plain do it for THE LOVE OF THE FIGHT, I was brought into this project to both fill their affirmative action handicap quotas and to bring an extra spicy taste of exotic Canuckian sex appeal to the table. Certainly, I may be mentally deficient, but much like a poor, hairy, broad-chested, budget-Labatts-and-Back-Bacon stinking Paris Hilton, you can see past that pesky lack of inner beauty to my GLISTENING MASCULINE PECTORALS. That and there's some poorly-shot videotape of me circulating around, and let me just say that I was young and stupid and that Bloiffy is a rotten son-of-a-bitch.

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My name is STEREOTYPE WITH AN 'A'

Mon, 07/12/2004 — Bloiffy

Good day, good sirs. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Bloiffiko Breadman.

I was entreated into becoming part of this jolly peregrination into the foothills of gaming's past, present and future history by my fellows-in-arms, who surmised that I might lend them expertise in areas that only ten percent of the world's population might be able to give. Yes, I am here to express the opinions and ideals of the homosexual minority. As any self-respecting videogamesplayerperson should know, it is vitally important to have the sentiments of someone who is sensitive and thoughtful, and likes CHOKING DOWN BIG FAT DICKS!!! Oh yes, I promise to give a Wildean insight into the nature of videogames, with articles such as: "Why We Must Pause and Evaluate the Nature of Chun Li's Underwear When She Performs a Spinning Bird Kick" and "De Profundis: Suffering Is One Very Long Moment... When You Keep Falling Off Those Fucking Ledges."

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All the prime overtones up to and including 31.

Sun, 07/11/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Hello there, you might know me from other websites as MR. ELITIST FUCKHEAD, however Pete, being the type of person that he is, keeps giving me new nicknames. First was the wonderous FASTERISKHEAD, (abbreviated to F*HEAD), next up was the possibly even more brilliant FSHARPHEAD (abbr. F#HEAD, oddly enough one of my least-favorite keys), and finally just recently he unveiled the radical and still experimental Eazy-F. We're still not entirely sure it won't kill us all, which is why I'm sticking to the proven, tried and true fasteriskhead for this circle jerk over M. Andore Jr. (esq.) here.

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I got you.

Sun, 07/11/2004 — Nice Pete

music: Renegade Funktrain - Love Theme From "Gotcha"

Hi! I'm Nice Pete! The SHY one!

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