Klax: A Formal Proof

Tue, 07/14/2009 — Doctor Vink

Proof by transposition:

Assumption: If there is time for Klax, it is the nineties.
Assumption: In any non-90s time, there is no time for Klax.
Assumption: There is now time for Klax.

Therefore, it is the nineties.

QED

Where Have All the Chocobo Farmers Gone?: An Andore Jr. Special

Tue, 07/14/2009 — Sak

The year was 1994. Al-Gaddafi withdrew Libyan troops from Chad. Yaki Kadafi finds al-Gadaffi's name fucking hilarious, and adopts a parody of it as his own. Technotronic releases the Billboard flop, "Move It To the Rhythm" (a spiritual successor to "Move This"). Square releases Final Fantasy VI to an American audience with baited breath under the nom de plume of Final Fantasy III. The effects were both immediate and long lasting. Boys destined for greatness in academia, business, entertainment, and the arts, were diverted to an equally successful life of long-standing virginity, poverty, fan fictionery, and Final Fantasy III. However, not everything was perfect in the world of Final Fantasy fandom.

Factions amongst fans quickly broke out; Scottish Enlightenment Lockeans were quick to condemn the Christian Cyanists, while the flamboyant Figaros criticized the ever-reserved Gaus for their lack of political commitment. For a year, the world, already embroiled in the arduous process of healing poor international relations was subject to the rocky in-fighting of Final Fantasy III fans.

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Arcade Classics: Caged Bird

Thu, 01/08/2009 — Brooke

Caged Bird is an anomaly in Sega's library, but not as much of one as some might think. The early nineties were the heyday of the big literacy push in American schools. After the ridiculous success of Nintendo's Wally Bear and the NO! Gang, it was hoped that a similar approach might work in encouraging children to read, and a series of 'Arcade Classics' were planned. The first, 1992's Gr8 X-pectations, became a critical and commercial success in Japan, paving the way for future titles.

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WHAT IF... A SQUARESOFT INTERNET NERD PERFORMED STAND UP IN 1996?

Wed, 12/24/2008 — Sak

Check one, two. This thing on? Everyone doin' okay, tonight? Good, good. Before we get started, how about a big round of applause for Delton Morton and his fantastic set of funny hats? Great! Thanks. Man, so, I was in Illucia today. Illucia. Talk about a clusterfuck! Why, I had to talk to three NPCs before I could even get to the title screen of the Chocobo Race Java game! Th-three NPCs. Is this thing on? Whew.

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The Interrogative

Sat, 07/17/2004 — Rev. Ragu

HEY PUNK! ARE YOU TUFF E NUFF?

Other fighting games attempt to lure you in with vivid scenes of violent fighting, promising that Many More Battle Scenes Will Soon Be Available. But Tuff E Nuff? No, it goes for the hard sell, directly attacking your manhood. It's almost as if the box art realizes that just five seconds ago at the game store you were staring longingly at Kirby Super Star, a damned fine yet absolutely adorable game, and Tuff E Nuff just stares right back saying "What are you, some kind of pussy? Have your balls been sucked inward by the sheer vaccuum of your major league pussitude and found their rightful place as ovaries or are you MAN E NUFF to take me on?"

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