Lick Joe for Camo Malt Liquor

Mon, 02/02/2009 — Rev. Ragu

I'm Lick Joe. You all might know me from my wrestling days before my profession was revoked, or as the former Number One Quarreler in the Violence Fight circuit. Pitting flesh against flesh, you learn a lot about the savagery within yourself, the cruelty and vanity of violence, and the endless, perhaps Sisyphean, struggle to hang on to the glory of being the best. But the most important thing I learned? That Camo Malt Liquor is the smooth taste that sneaks up on you. With premium, all-natural, organic ingredients* brewed to perfection by award winning** brewmasters, Camo goes down smooth all the way to the last gulp. When you've got to be on the top of your game to keep a motley bunch of mobsters, general businessmen, and traffic violators entertained every night with gruesome, modern-day gladiatorial spectacle, you need a cold drink that will go down easy to bring you down at the end of the day. Despite not being legally allowed to drink Camo Malt Liquor following the settlement, I've been assured by my manager here carrying the enormous pile of money that it's tremendous stuff, and were my probation conditions slightly more lenient, it would be my choice too. So CAMO, BOY and drink like the champions.

Camo Malt Liquor - You won't see it until it hits ya.

* carbon-based
** winner, "world's greatest dad", 1991-1994

ALBATROSS TEACHES MALT LIQUOR

Thu, 01/15/2009 — Fasteriskhead

Hello and good afternoon, dear Andore readers!

I admit to being surprised when the editors of this fine site first asked me to pen something on their behalf. It's not often that retired Interpol agents get looked up, especially after that whole misunderstanding from a several years back regarding a few dead bodies and a long vacation in the Hague with the International Criminal Court. People tend not to want to publish your essays after that.

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TOP FIVE SEXY SEX SEX VIDEO GAME SEX FUCK

Tue, 01/13/2009 — Rev. Ragu

Gentle readers; as Fasteriskhead previously announced, we have been bought out by Camo Brewing. While this means that the terrible convulsions and cold sweats are finally over, it does also mean that we're a shell of what we once were - an Andore One Point Four to our former Andore Seven. But we've promised to bring you the same top shelf video game laffs for bottom shelf prices. Just like Camo brand Malt Liquor, we're the smooth taste that creeps up on you. Due to contractual obligations and certainly not because of extreme chemical dependency fueling a desperate need to satisfy our new sugar daddy corporate overlords, we're going to keep bringing you more and more of our unique takes on the wild 'n wacky world of video games with our usual intelligence and irreverent wit. So climb into your comfiest chair, sip and savour an ice cold Camo, and come along with me for the show!

TOP FIVE SEXY SEX SEX VIDEO GAME SEX FUCK

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UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

Wed, 01/07/2009 — Fasteriskhead

Dear Andore Jr. Readers,

As you may have heard in recent rumors, Andore Jr. has indeed suffered greatly in the economic downturn of the past year. We're certainly proud of our recent relaunch and the success of the humor products we've released, which have been highly successful. However, sadly, several of our investment side projects in "playing the market" have not gone quite as planned. Recent claims to the effect that "Andore Jr. is a finance/investment firm with a small video game humor arm" are, of course, untrue. All the same, we in the Andore management had indeed placed much of our hope (and nearly all the millions of dollars we'd made over the years) into these "plays." While we still feel that our recently purchased California and Florida property will find interested buyers soon and that our AIG stake can turn around, we must admit at the moment that our speculation caused a slight liquidity problem.

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On Hope

Sat, 07/24/2004 — Fasteriskhead

As I sit there in the dark at 4:00 a.m. staring at my moniter, a voice in the back of my mind proposes, "Hey!! Maybe if I can get my Ice Blaster here up to level 30, then my life can change for the better!" It grows more and more convincing with each passing moment. "The fact that I've flunked out of college and my entire family hates me and my parents refuse to give me any kind of recognition or aid won't matter! While women may look at me with a mixture of disgust and pity and right now I seem to be destined to a life of bitter loneliness without a hint of love or intimacy, all that is soon to change! Today I may be stuck in a shitty, go-nowhere job delivering stale inedible pizza, and when I return home I may look with a certain grim joy at the knife I've placed on the edge of the bathtub (in preperation for when I will finally escape this hell that is life), but NO MORE!" Yes, for with only a few missions further, Admiral Algor will reach the big three-oh; at last I will be the king of single-combat damage, and finally I can know of that elusive "joie de vivre." Women will flock to me and I will reach the fame and fortune of which I have always dreamed.

Time passes. Of course, when Admiral Algor does eventually turn over, none of it happens.

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