The World Ass Jark Meat Plan

Sat, 02/20/2010 — Rev. Ragu

Recently, my attention was drawn to a report that someone had spent $13,100 on an NES with three games. Rather than the asinine observation “DURR, MAYBE I CAN SELL MY NINTENDO ALONG WITH T&C SURF DESIGNS AND NARC AND FINALLY PUT MYSELF THROUGH COLLEGE AND CEASE TO BE AN EMBARASSMENT TO MYSELF AND MY FAMILY,” I was filled with bitterness and venom, for the game that put it over the top was a boxed copy of the apparently ultra-rare Stadium Events.

Stadium Events? What the hell? That is the game that Nintendo pulled off the market and hastily rebranded as World Class Track Meet, after they filed off the name from Bandai's Family Fun Fitness pad and stuck their own Power Pad label on it. So that's it: Someone paid thirteen grand for fucking World Class Track Meet, or that game where God Mode was basically “hit the stupid pad with your hands instead of your feet.” It's the rarest NES game out there, yes, but it's also a huge piece of worthless dogshit that has never brought a moment of joy to anyone in its entire existence, any historical significance it has has already been meticulously documented, it was rereleased in a form in which you can acquire it for fifty cents at a pawn shop, there's a ROM image out there ensuring that the apathy and nagging ennui of playing Stadium Events will persist forevermore, and its only value is in its scarcity. The only happiness and personal fulfillment this $13,100 copy of argh fuck and piss World Class Track Meet will bring its owner will be a momentary glimmer of something resembling emotion as he sees his collection complete, a single sparking of perhaps not joy, but at least something, in this sad fucker's life.

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Grabme, Man Seeks Meaning

Sun, 10/10/2004 — Fasteriskhead

VICTORY AT LAST!

HOMOMAN WILL BE MOST PLEASED

(NEW DATA INPUT) BUT -

NOW THAT I HAVE DESTROYED HOE'S DICK

WHAT IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE

BZZT ERROR ERROR DOES NOT COMPUTE

DIGITAL DESPAIR ENTERING PRIMARY CIRCUITS

BZZT BZZT OH GOD

An Appeal To Reason

Wed, 07/14/2004 — Fasteriskhead


Okay uhh I'm not here to tell all the freelance amateur translators of the world what they should and shouldn't be doing but camon boys couldn't your time be better spent doing something else? I mean, like, well, anything really.

(also how lame is it that half the time you give Vegeta a halfway decent attack card he decides to do shit-all with it and sits out the round? well I'll tell you: real lame)

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