Lick Joe for Camo Malt Liquor

Mon, 02/02/2009 — Rev. Ragu

I'm Lick Joe. You all might know me from my wrestling days before my profession was revoked, or as the former Number One Quarreler in the Violence Fight circuit. Pitting flesh against flesh, you learn a lot about the savagery within yourself, the cruelty and vanity of violence, and the endless, perhaps Sisyphean, struggle to hang on to the glory of being the best. But the most important thing I learned? That Camo Malt Liquor is the smooth taste that sneaks up on you. With premium, all-natural, organic ingredients* brewed to perfection by award winning** brewmasters, Camo goes down smooth all the way to the last gulp. When you've got to be on the top of your game to keep a motley bunch of mobsters, general businessmen, and traffic violators entertained every night with gruesome, modern-day gladiatorial spectacle, you need a cold drink that will go down easy to bring you down at the end of the day. Despite not being legally allowed to drink Camo Malt Liquor following the settlement, I've been assured by my manager here carrying the enormous pile of money that it's tremendous stuff, and were my probation conditions slightly more lenient, it would be my choice too. So CAMO, BOY and drink like the champions.

Camo Malt Liquor - You won't see it until it hits ya.

* carbon-based
** winner, "world's greatest dad", 1991-1994

E-MAILS THAT SUPRISINGLY RECEIVED A REPLY: DEAREST TAITO

Mon, 01/19/2009 — Sak

Update: For the first time in E-Mails That Never Received a Reply's five year and four post history, this e-mail has received a reply. Over a week after having sent the e-mail. Check below the original e-mail for FUN.

Dear Taito Corporation,

Throughout the years, I have been a fan of your series of Bubble Bobble games. The adventures of Bub and Bob are, in my humble opinion, among the greatest stories of the 20th century, rivaling the Bildungsromanesque overtones of Mann's "Magic Mountain" and Tarkovski's paean to mysticism, "Nostalghia". However, why did you guys ever bother to create games based on Bub and Bob's human adventures? Parasol Stars is pedantic and meandering and Rainbow Islands is simply straight up fucking stupid. Please don't remake these games. If you already have and I just didn't know about it, then dang. That ain't cool.

Write back please.
-Sak

Taito's Reply:

Dear Mr. Sak

Thank you very much for being a fan of Bubble Bobble.

We appreciate your evaluation of our games, especially contrasting to the literature masterpiece is quite unique,

Though we are not able to reveal our future game development map, your precious comment is forwarded to our product planning department in order to reflect to product planning,

with kindest regards

Taito Corporation Europe

Sonic Blastman's Dilemma, Vol. 1

Tue, 08/10/2004 — Fasteriskhead

"Uh, yeah, er. Look, lady, I was happy to save you from that runaway train or whatever... it's like part of the job as a superhero, saving lives and whatnot. I uh, I mean you don't even really have to thank me, I do this all the time. And uh geez stop STARING at me like that if you could, it's kind of freaking me a little. Look, it's really no problem, this is like a second nat-WHOA WHOA WHOA where's that other fucking HAND of yours lady please please you can QUIT that right about now thanks. Not interested, no no no, Jesus Christ I am so finding a rock or something to put you down on right this minute. And I mean... uh... you really can't TELL? Y'know, just from LOOKING at me? The boxing gloves, the scarf, the charmingly retro-futuristic moniter in the chest, the visor or whatever this thing is? I mean, it's not blindingly obvious at all?

...What? No no no, nothing at all, nothing at all. Look uh, I gotta go rescue some other people and uh you know. You can probably find your own way home from here I guess, and uh try to be avoiding those runaway trains from now on. Later miss, uh, whatever."

Stories from the Crime City

Mon, 08/09/2004 — Nice Pete

CRIME WAS THE WEAPON, JUSTICE WAS THE PUNISHMENT
a Raymond Broady adventure

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