Devil Busters Do Not Have A Good Union

Fri, 02/06/2009 — Rev. Ragu

  • Devil Busting rarely follows a nine-to-five schedule, and there is no overtime pay.
  • Meals are not provided by The Agency. Devil Busters must pack their own lunch. We ask that you bring plastic utensils only; please refer to the State Devil Busting Code under section 436B [PSI Users/Scanners/Quantum Quasibeings]
  • Drug tests are mandatory; all prescriptions must be approved by the Master Arbiter first. Use of any substance which erodes the boundaries between consensus reality and the infinite consciousness is strictly prohibited; please refer to the State Devil Busting Code under section 135C [Psychological Limiters And You: It's The Law]
  • Your hard hat, asbestos coveralls, corruption-resistant polymer bodysuit, psi-barrier, steel toed work boots, anointed amulet of the True Cross, and safety goggles must be worn at all times. Failure to comply will result in immediate termination. Safety is everyone's responsibility!
  • It is required to carry an Emergency Kit on all job sites (w/ .38 revolver, two bullets, three cyanide capsules, and a copy of the holy book of your choosing). Failure to comply will result in immediate termination.
  • Each Devil Buster will work alongside a "buddy". Immediate termination must be enacted on your assigned "buddy" following an infraction of safety code within thirty minutes (Regulation allowance for making peace with their God). Return to the requisition point afterward to receive a new "buddy". Failure to comply will result in immediate termination.
  • Devil Busters receive no health insurance or dental benefits. Devil Busters are responsible for their own treatment out of pocket following possession/unholy fusion/chthonic terror incidents.
  • Devil Busters suffer a high incidence of chronic lower back injury as well as maddening visions of the emptiness of the hereafter. Devil Busters should also be screened regularly for prostate cancer.
  • Devil Busting does not make you feel good.

Lick Joe for Camo Malt Liquor

Mon, 02/02/2009 — Rev. Ragu

I'm Lick Joe. You all might know me from my wrestling days before my profession was revoked, or as the former Number One Quarreler in the Violence Fight circuit. Pitting flesh against flesh, you learn a lot about the savagery within yourself, the cruelty and vanity of violence, and the endless, perhaps Sisyphean, struggle to hang on to the glory of being the best. But the most important thing I learned? That Camo Malt Liquor is the smooth taste that sneaks up on you. With premium, all-natural, organic ingredients* brewed to perfection by award winning** brewmasters, Camo goes down smooth all the way to the last gulp. When you've got to be on the top of your game to keep a motley bunch of mobsters, general businessmen, and traffic violators entertained every night with gruesome, modern-day gladiatorial spectacle, you need a cold drink that will go down easy to bring you down at the end of the day. Despite not being legally allowed to drink Camo Malt Liquor following the settlement, I've been assured by my manager here carrying the enormous pile of money that it's tremendous stuff, and were my probation conditions slightly more lenient, it would be my choice too. So CAMO, BOY and drink like the champions.

Camo Malt Liquor - You won't see it until it hits ya.

* carbon-based
** winner, "world's greatest dad", 1991-1994

Actual Ads From Google: Discount Genghis Khan

Fri, 01/30/2009 — Rev. Ragu

Often, while thinking about which video games I would like to play, my mind drifts in the direction of Genghis Khan. What a game that would make! Temujin and his rabble of bloodthirsty nomads beating the hell out of those hot-shit Jin Dynasty Chinese, extending into the Middle East, genociding the fuck out of anyone in his way before genocide got such a bad rap, spreading his seed into half the women on the continent... Now that would be a game! I've tried the other historical simulations. Banditry with some Kings of Ancient China ain't wetting my water margin, Romancin' those Three Kingdoms can't hold my Han together, even Nobunaga's ambitions aren't nearly big enough for me, I want my Genghis! Unfortunately, when I see GENGHIS KHAN GAMES, I think "Gosh, aren't these a bit too expensive? With all these bills I have to pay, how can I possibly afford a GENGHIS KHAN GAME?"

Not anymore!


Courtesy of November of #X68000, click to see the full sized ad in all its blinky splendor

With DiscountGenghisKhan.com, worry no more about Genghis Khan games being just out of your reach! Now anyone can own a Genghis Khan game, and at a slaughter of a price! Fight your way to the biggest contiguous empire in the history of the world! Navigate your way through impenetrable reams of Koei menus which put you right in the action! All for a mere pittance! At these prices, you're practically pillaging our warehouses and raping our womenfolk! You "khan" run, but you "khan't" walk to these unbelievable deals, and when you see what's left in your wallet, you'll be saying "Cha-Chinggis!" too!

A Paean to Ace Ebb

Wed, 01/28/2009 — Rev. Ragu

Great players come and go, but true masters must be treasured; for they are but a speck of sand in a sea of mediocrity. In 1989 we were introduced to such a master - a Nintendo Master. Not so much a player as he was an artist; in the ease and confident grace he strode through worlds three steps at a time, it was something akin to a ballet performance, poetry in motion. He was Ace Ebb, Nintendo Master, conqueror of worlds, the man with the custom NES Advantage.

>> Read more...

Point of Haggar #2

Sat, 01/24/2009 — Rev. Ragu

It's been a long time since ol' Mike here "machotized" all you Haggarmaniacs out there! Well, as I'm sure you all know from listening to my syndicated AM talk radio program, I've been busy! While I haven't been pounding the pavement, driving the punks and the street scum out of town with the force of my hard fists and hard holds as much anymore, I've been putting the elitist liberal establishment in my trademark spinning piledriver and slamming them down on that hard concrete sidewalk called "truth". As you may have heard, It's been a historic week, and while I don't approve of Mr. Obama's big-spending, pantywaist, soft-on-crime, liberal hemming and hawing, I can respect that this is a first, and opens up a lot of doors for a lot of people. Why, just think, in another four years, maybe America will be ready for a former street fighter turned wrestler turned big city mayor as president. And believe you me folks, this country is going to need a full-on reverse backdrop after four years of liberal bullshit.

>> Read more...

E-MAILS THAT SUPRISINGLY RECEIVED A REPLY: DEAREST TAITO

Mon, 01/19/2009 — Sak

Update: For the first time in E-Mails That Never Received a Reply's five year and four post history, this e-mail has received a reply. Over a week after having sent the e-mail. Check below the original e-mail for FUN.

Dear Taito Corporation,

Throughout the years, I have been a fan of your series of Bubble Bobble games. The adventures of Bub and Bob are, in my humble opinion, among the greatest stories of the 20th century, rivaling the Bildungsromanesque overtones of Mann's "Magic Mountain" and Tarkovski's paean to mysticism, "Nostalghia". However, why did you guys ever bother to create games based on Bub and Bob's human adventures? Parasol Stars is pedantic and meandering and Rainbow Islands is simply straight up fucking stupid. Please don't remake these games. If you already have and I just didn't know about it, then dang. That ain't cool.

Write back please.
-Sak

Taito's Reply:

Dear Mr. Sak

Thank you very much for being a fan of Bubble Bobble.

We appreciate your evaluation of our games, especially contrasting to the literature masterpiece is quite unique,

Though we are not able to reveal our future game development map, your precious comment is forwarded to our product planning department in order to reflect to product planning,

with kindest regards

Taito Corporation Europe

ANDORE AND POISON TEACH SEXUALITY

Sun, 01/18/2009 — Sak

Why is our body, for us, the mirror of our being, unless because it is a natural self, a current of given existence, with the result that we never know whether the forces which bear us on are its or ours -- or with the result rather that they are never entirely either its or ours. There is no outstripping of sexuality any more than there is any sexuality enclosed within itself. No one is saved and no one is totally lost.

--Maurice Merleau-Ponty

ALBATROSS TEACHES MALT LIQUOR

Thu, 01/15/2009 — Fasteriskhead

Hello and good afternoon, dear Andore readers!

I admit to being surprised when the editors of this fine site first asked me to pen something on their behalf. It's not often that retired Interpol agents get looked up, especially after that whole misunderstanding from a several years back regarding a few dead bodies and a long vacation in the Hague with the International Criminal Court. People tend not to want to publish your essays after that.

>> Read more...

Derek Yu teaches Totalitarianism

Wed, 01/14/2009 — Ackman

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a yeti throwing a human face into an ice wall—forever.


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