Andore Jr.: All Things to All Men

Mon, 07/12/2004 — Nice Pete

Although Andore JR., the website upon which you are presently gazing with all of your Face Eyes, has only been kicking up a tiny dust storm here in Internet Central for approximately a quarter of a metric fortnight, it is already many things to many people. Bloiffiko Breadman, for instance, is already using the server as a storage facility for his illegal stockpile of industrial-strength sulphur; on the other hand, Brandon "T-Eel" Teel, better known to his parishioners as the Right Rockin' Reverend Ragu, has a private room in the back garden next to the greenhouse in which he gains the trust of wayward adolescents by telling them tales of God-Jesus' epic triumphs over adversity, manic depression, and eventually God himself, only to abuse that trust by slipping mild hallucinogens into their whiskey, filling their pockets with coins, herding them into a nearby arcade, and watching events unfold however they do.

It was during one of these legally dubious escapades that the idea for this website was first conceived. The Reverend was keeping an eye on one drug-crazed teen, who had been awkwardly attempting to beg Flashgal's hand in marriage for the previous hour and a half, when he felt a hand clasp around his ankle. No stranger to this particular form of physical contact, Ragu turned his head downwards and to the right at a leisurely place, only to see one of his panic-stricken protégés staring back at him. The boy's face had turned a uniform shade of red, and his pupils, previously dilated due to the bargain-priced intoxicants running amok in his virginal veins, had now inexplicably taken a new, almost humanoid shape. Noticing that the remaining coins in the boy's pockets had melted from the intense body heat, the Reverend followed the trail of molten copper and tungsten from the arcade's entrance to a lone, now-unoccupied Final Fight cabinet, where he first witnessed the figure that would soon change the course of history...

Stay tuned for "Andore Jr.: A Hulking Mass of Contradictions".

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