ENTER WIZROBE

Sun, 10/08/2006 — Sak

In August of 1987, one of metal's most influential bands -- yet also one of the most obscure -- disbanded not with a bang, but with a whimper. Wizrobe, cited by the likes of Ronnie James Dio, Tony Iommi, and that one dude from Helloween who sort of harasses a dwarf in the "Hall of the Mountain King" video, to be the best metal band to emerge from the then-nascent "EPIC FANTASY METAL" genre (purists insists on capitalizing the genre name).

"Dio supposedly wrote 'Holy Diver' about Wizrobe," states EPIC FANTASY METAL scholar, gentlemen, and avid Advanced Dungeons & Dragons campaigner Tyler Mills. "That line, 'Oh can you see what I mean?' is apparently about a conversation that Ronnie and Wizrobe frontman Larry Wizrobe had back in '79 or something. What was it about? Oh, I think they were just shooting the shit or something. The way I understand it is that Wizrobe said something about 'The Facts of Life' being a great show or something and Dio disagreed, and then Tootie came in on rollerskates and Dio was just blown away. Wizrobe then said, like, uh, 'Oh can you see what I mean?' Yeah, I did think it was necessary to adopt a falsetto while repeating that line."

Wizrobe bassist Bred Gohma remembers the story differently. "You get old and fat man, that is just a fact of life. When 'The Facts of Life' debuted, Dio did not believe this. He did not believe that people got either old or fat, he believed that old and / or fat people were inherently old and / or fat. It's like the age old case of nature versus nurture, man. Obviously, Ronnie was on the nature side of the camp. Larry wasn't having any of this, so he showed Ronnie a picture of himself when he was a little kid and like, Larry was a total porker as a kid, man. So, he was younger and fat. This just blew Dio's mind, man. And Larry was all, 'Oh can you see what I mean?' Made Dio sit down and listen, that's for fuckin' sure."

Ahmed Stalfos, lead guitarist for Wizrobe, and now a born again Christian, declined to be interviewed regarding his stint with the band, although his publicist did have this to say, "Mr. Ahmed Stalfos was not involved in the 'Facts of Life' incident, nor was he in the vicinity of the conversation. Mr. Stalfos was, at the time, taking care of his sickly grandmother, Vera Stalfos." Vera Stalfos, however, tells a different story. "That show was really great. I did not like it too much when the child from Australia jointed the cast."

Larry Wizrobe was not available for comment, on account of being deceased.

Comments

Tue, 06/15/2010 — Bunions Toenailsin

Now that he's passed, it has since been revealed that since the Holy Diver NES game would only be released in Japan, he would decide to turn the tables and steal the name of a Nintendo character. And rise to further heights of popularity with the stolen namesake. Take that, fuckers!

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