HEDGEHOG'S DILEMMA

Wed, 10/12/2005 — Rev. Ragu





A Telephone Call between Misato Katsuragi and Ritsuko Akagi


Ritsuko:

How have you been? Are you getting along with him?

Misato:

Him? Oh, Shinji. It's been two weeks since he transferred schools. He's still the same, he never gets any telephone calls.

Ritsuko:

Telephone calls?

Misato:

As a neccessity, I gave him a cellphone a few days ago. He doesn't seem to have used it or recieved a phone call from anyone. I wonder if he has any friends?

Ritsuko:

He seems to have a poor personality for making friends, doesn't he?

Misato:

Have you ever heard the story of the "Hedgehog's Dilemma"?

Ritsuko:

Of course. Hedgehogs want to warm each other during the winter, but the closer they get, the more they harm each other due to the thorns. Central metaphor for this whole show and all that.

Misato:

What? Uh, okay. Just LORD over me with the fact that you actually studied in college and didn't spend the whole time conquering beer bongs and screwing an unending cavalcade of random dudes. Listen, maybe I didn't do as much of that "book learning" as you did, but I've done pretty well, don't you think? Operations Commander for NERV and all that. I mean, it helps that most of the human race was dead in the Second Impact and "Assistant Manager: Tokyo-II McDonalds, May 2008-June 2010" was the most extensive qualification they were able to find. I mean, shit, that one dude with the glasses doesn't even have his GED, I heard they just picked him up passed-out in front of a liquor store one day...

Ritsuko:

Jesus fucking CHRIST, what in the name of God are you talking about you loopy bitch?

Misato:

Well I was going to talk about the Hedgehog's Dilemma, but you just HAD to get all douchey about it.

Ritsuko:

Okay. Enlighten me. What is the Hedgehog's Dilemma?

Misato:

The Hedgehog's Dilemma is when you see a monitor with the speed shoes, and you have to decide whether you want to take it because running really fast is totally awesome, but if you take it then you will be running too fast to see what's in front of you and you run the risk of slamming into some spiny enemy and losing all your rings, thus making it much more difficult to get into the bonus stages to collect the hidden Chaos Emeralds.

Ritsuko:

What.

Misato:

There's more, too. The Hedgehog has many dilemmas. For instance, do the special stages really matter? They're just frustrating attempts to show off the Megadrive's prowess at doing psuedo-scaling and completely break up the flow of the games. Do you want to just skip the dumbassed special stages and get a slightly worse ending, or do you want to collect them all and bother with a whole lot of extra lame horseshit just to see Sonic give you the thumbs up at the end?

Ritsuko:

That's not even a God-damned dilemma. That's just the stupid conceits of sixteen-bit game design! What the hell does this have to do with Shinji?!

Misato:

Ooh, I thought you were Ms. Smarty-pants. It's METAPHOR. It's got LAYERS. Maybe you should FREE YOUR MIND a bit and come along on my FANTASTIC JOURNEY INTO THE METACONSCIOUSNESS and then maybe you wouldn't be such a stupid bitch.

Ritsuko:

WHAT?!

Misato:

All screwin' Beardy McPedophile. You're not even a scientist, you just had a public access science show for a few months! Way to get "a head" in business Rit"sucko"! Oooooh, BURN!

Ritsuko:

FUCKING WHAT? Gendo's your boss too! What the SHITTING CHRIST is your problem?!

Misato:

Anyway, you've also got to think about whether to bring Tails along. I mean, if you do the special stages, he'll sometimes screw you up. However, if you have a second controller, you can use him to take you to higher platforms than you could get to normally. You could use Tails solo, of course, but he can't get super-abilities unless you're playing Sonic & Knuckles. It's all a tradeoff, y'know?

Ritsuko:

I'm hanging up now.

Misato:

But I haven't even got into Knuckles' jumping abilities...


***disconnected***

Comments

Post new comment

  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd> <hr>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
Robots ain't welcome around these parts.
arme_formation:
©2004-2010 The Andore Seven