The Interrogative

Sat, 07/17/2004 — Rev. Ragu

HEY PUNK! ARE YOU TUFF E NUFF?

Other fighting games attempt to lure you in with vivid scenes of violent fighting, promising that Many More Battle Scenes Will Soon Be Available. But Tuff E Nuff? No, it goes for the hard sell, directly attacking your manhood. It's almost as if the box art realizes that just five seconds ago at the game store you were staring longingly at Kirby Super Star, a damned fine yet absolutely adorable game, and Tuff E Nuff just stares right back saying "What are you, some kind of pussy? Have your balls been sucked inward by the sheer vaccuum of your major league pussitude and found their rightful place as ovaries or are you MAN E NUFF to take me on?"

I don't know how this kind of affront to one's testicular fortitude really does in the marketplace. Obviously there were enough pre-teen boys out there secure enough in their masculinity that they would honestly choose something less in-your-face about calling you a dripping little vagina, which genuinely surprises me, but since there wasn't a "Tuff E Nuff 2: Ryu and Ken are Boner Banditos and You Are Too if You Play Street Fighter" and "Tuff E Nuff 3: I'm Not Insinuating Anything But I've Seen Guys Who Don't Play This Game and They All Had Really Small Penises (Just Sayin')". A pity, I suppose.

Sure, it's just a cynical Street Fighter II cash-in. But look! He just called you "PUNK"! Are you going to take that kind of shit like some kind of GIRL, or are you going to attempt to face down the evil FIGHTING EMPEROR JADE in over several stages of full-on derivative MAYHEM?

Well, I sure as heck wasn't TUFF E NUFF, but I'm secure in my wimpiness, and because of that I think I will go level up my adorable Servbots rather than leading SYOH, KOTONO, ZAZI and VONTZ to a bloody victory over JADE utilizing over SEVERAL SPECIAL MOVES AND TECHNIQUES. But you, there's hope for you yet, my son. Do you think you have what it takes to wipe that smug generic primal early nineties comic book scream off of Fangy McBallbuster's face there, and perhaps even, yes I dare to conceive of it, smack that bastard B.LOADED right off of the list of THE BEST FIGHTERS?

You could just play Super Street Fighter instead, of course. I'm not stopping you.

pussy.

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