McDuck Reviews (www.mcduck.net)

Sat, 01/07/2006 — Fasteriskhead

Fuck Jek Porkins (reviewing his review of bad reviews) (posted 16:10 01/05/06)
Oh, well, what's this now? Bless my feathers, a carefully-researched and objectively-determined list of the worst gaming reviews of 2005? Oh, and by no less a prominent pillar of the scientific community than Jek Fucking Porkins!! Why, just look at that laundry list of footnotes. And, heavens be, he even cites his own two recent sample-based studies on the topic recently published in AMERICAN SCIENTIFIC VIDEO GAME LITERARY RESEARCH QUARTERLY! So you can immediately tell that this is much more relevant than a long, tedious rant by some little prick with a hair trigger for irritation and a full willingness to use every ounce (i.e. the only ounce) of writing ability that he has to meanderingly gripe about published writing which, at worst, has made the rest of us close the window a few paragraphs down.

Good christ, folks, I'm still trying to grasp the sheer mass of cognitive dissonance that would have to be fought back in order for Jek Porkins of all people to write a piece about bad video game writing. JEK PORKINS. This is the guy who not only managed to write boring reviews of both Grab Me, Girls X-treme and Battle Molester (although to be fair, the entire collection of hentai game reviews that the gentleman seems to crap out every couple of months seems less intended to be "interesting" or "funny" than to inanely titillate and get readers to buy things from J-Stuff Dot Com), but was apparently the only human being in history to dislike Daughter Raiser 2. Because, of course he couldn't write a good review ("good" in this case meaning "positive" rather than "well-written," which would be even more impossible). Oh, no, that just wouldn't be funny. Because the only thing that's funny, we all know, is impassioned negativity and half-apathetic maliciousness driven by pointless annoyance. God, that never gets old. Not even after years of the stuff showing up on the website every couple of days like some kind of cynical internet Old Faithful. We bid you welcome to this proud institution of internet comedy and its distinguished inhabitants of guys who once heard Bill Hicks' name on the street this once time. Well, it was probably his name anyways, although it could also have been Bill Bixby.

Jek Porkins, having totally avoided any number of attempts I've made to kill him over the past three years, manages to roll out all of the old classics for this one. Quick, name all of the stereotypes of bad video game reviews!! How about reviews that are too long? CHECK! Reviews that obviously have practically no knowledge of the game in question outside of the screenshots? HE'S ON IT. Pretentious reviews, reviews that get far too deep into the writer's personal life, unabashedly fanboyish reviews, reviews trying to be funny, reviews that reference a lot of obscure stuff no one cares about. It's all there, and Mssr. Porkins is entirely eager to tear the remaining gristle off of these old bones long since picked clean. Because THOSE ARE THE JOKES, folks. Those are what he starts with, and he adds no more to them. These proud old standards stand up on stage naked for a good two days' worth of updates, with only "wackiness" and the worst writing methodology imaginable to decorate them. Starting with a broad generalization or some dripping sarcasm so obvious it might as well have a flashing I'M KIDDING I ACTUALLY HATE THIS sign overhead, and then following with thesaurus goodies and non sequiturs sprinkled liberally along the way (because unusual words and leaps to unrelated topics are funny), he achingly goes through each review in a manner only possible for a true veteran. That is, he goes straight for the schoolyard insults. Good god, he's like the Gizmoduck of shitty takedowns, people, I'm pretty sure it's completely automated at this point. When reviewer Jake Otento makes a poor attempt at describing something amusing that happens in the game he reviews (Ebon and Chalky 2), Jek responds:

Here is my review of Jake Otento's comedic taste:

IT'S DOG PISS.

Centered and oversized letters to boot, followed by:

To sum up Gameplace is terrible, Ebon and Chalky 2 is terrible and Jake Otento is terrible.

You shut up, Jek! You're just a dumb penis-head. And I can get my big brother to beat you up.

Moving on to Kierkegaard Gramsci's review of Evolutiana:

...let's take a gander at just what makes this review so terrible. I'll include a picture of the Architect from "The Matrix: Reloaded" because that is the most pretenious character from one of the most pretenious films in history.

I guess it would have been more troublesome to include stills from Naqoyqatsi, but really. MEMO TO JEK FROM 2006: THIS IS NOT 2003 ANYMORE. No one liked the Matrix sequels, but the rest of us quit making fun of them a good year and a half ago. "They're pompous and silly!" That is the only piece of humor present, the only possible joke to be applied. It has been repeatedly done by every dope calling himself an internet comedian on every website ever. But, hey! Why not drag the old bitch out for one last flogging while you wax antagonistic about a review that would probably never be read again, save for your going out of your way to link it. Clearly someone is cruisin' for a anachronistic wake up call (also: a bruisin'). And by that I mean, GOD will someone just executioner-style Jek Porkins in the head already.

But all this is just a warm-up for the center ring, wherein he declares war on Tom Rivers. BE STILL MY HEART, two titans going at it at last. Hope to the lord above that you're not in the first two rows, people, or you're going to get your clothes ruined.

Tom Rivers is the most horrible game reviewer working today. The man loves gaming and gaming culture. He seems to live gaming. That sounds like a fantastic feature for a gaming writer and journalist, but without the context of reality he has become a walking avatar of everything that is wrong with video games. When you live video games everything you write on the topic becomes an solipsistic blog.

In other words, Tom Rivers is basically like a less brief and more specialized Seanbaby, but not as funny and kind of boring. INTOLERABLE!! STRING HIM UP!! And oh how great it is to see Jek get sanctimonious (when previously he had been tempted to "smash in [Kierkegaard Gramsci's] head with a pick axe") and make a case for careful organization in articles (when previously he had been making asides regarding "Toucan Sam sucking off two guys at once in a Barely Legal 20-second trial video"):

He will blather on incomprehensibly for twenty pages or so, jumping from subject to subject with little structure or purpose and attacking people who ridicule his incompetence.
Tom's palsied incapacity to write a structured essay is only matched by his rollicking self-effacing psuedo-narcissism.

TURF WAR! At this point you can sort of tell why Jek does not like the guy.

You lead a trivial and meaningless existence that you try to fill with crap you bought in Japan...

"... not at all like the people who buy from J-Stuff Dot Com!! Well, okay, they're fags too, but they're getting me checks every other week so I'll deal with it." But really, Jek, should you be tossing words like "trivial and meaningless existence" around when I count around fifty reviews of various hentai games in that archive over there? Christ, that's like Glomgold accusing me of being bourgeois.

And finally, after you trudge through the rest of this tirade of the old insults and familiar theatrical gestures of internet humor site fame that were well washed out by '03, yes, Mr. Porkins couldn't possibly end this trainwreck in any way other than naked and shameless schadenfreude:

As a bit of an addendum to this review I would like to take a moment to mention Tom Rivers' short piece about getting canned from Gamecubeworld.com. Yes, that Gamecubeworld.com. The site that took the number five placement back on Friday. They would have had number one if only they hadn't canned Tom Rivers.

Haw haw haw! Isn't that the funniest?? Tom Rivers lost his fucking job!! Man, now THAT'S justice, especially since Tom Rivers is currently standing trial at the international criminal court for invading a member state and genocide. Oh, wait, he's actually just sort of tedious and talks about things I don't care about and isn't a very good reviewer. BUT STILL! Haw haw! Surely the karma there is worth not only losing a job, but the writing of an overlong, dedicated front page post about how much of a loser he is. Heck, if me and Magica were still on good terms I'd see if I could get her to mystically set Tom Rivers' balls on fire. All in good fun, of course!

To conclude: Jek Porkins is a writer with the ability to hold a total lack of any substance whatsoever in his writing, save for a vague smugness and a malignancy that almost doesn't want to bother being there. This is by no means unique in the world of internet humor (GOD why can't all you dumbshit internet comedy writers drop off a fucking cliff already), but he is an exemplar carrying the torch for all to follow. I might, but will not, congratulate him on his stellar work in creating a piece of writing that is so utterly void of content, which so utterly refuses to contribute anything of meaning or value to human progress, and which certainly refuses to be funny. Instead, we must remember that this gentleman has made a career out of doing just that, all of the above, repeatedly, apparently every fucking free second, so we should point him out for not just this particular piece of misery but as being the champion fronting hundreds if not thousands of similar articles of remarkable consistency, in that practically none of them is worth reading.

Cheers, Jek. You're something special.

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