The Origins of Andore Jr.

Wed, 12/31/2008 — Rev. Ragu


~Gather 'round people, let me tell you a story
About a web site that was known as Andor..y~

Once upon a time in the dark and savage past, Sak and I wrote our in-jokes and adolescent meanderings on other websites, websites which were not this one! The rest of the Andore Seven did not exist at this point, for they emerged fully-formed from the skull of Cronos in the Aeon of Legends (got his nick because he was a really big fan of Chrono Trigger). But anyway, in these most ancient times, there was a site called MP3.com, where terrible teenage garage bands and guys with a pirated copy of Fruityloops could post their music for the entire world to hear, the world subsequently deleting said music with extreme prejudice because it showed up as a strategically mislabeled Nine Inch Nails song on Napster. Yet there were some diamonds in the rough - often more like kernels in the shit - but search long and hard enough and you could find a glimmering of genius, barely catching the corner of your eye like so many Power Tabs. It was here in which we found our inspiration.

Mike Hanley's Final Fight III.

No one knows where this should-be Bob Dylan came from or where he went. All we are left with is this one shining MP3. And our memories. No one can take those from us.

For your perusal, here is a transcription of the lyrics:

Final Fight
Some guys are kicking some ass
Final Fight
Extra joy can hurt you bad
Final Fight
You've got to learn your super
Final Fight
Haggar's shoulder's bigger than his head

One of them is a lady
Don't let her fool ya
She still got power
Haggar says "boo-yah"
When he jumps
And what about the skunks?
They're not in this game

I love Andore Jr.
When I beat him up he realizes
that I am just being his friend by teaching him a lesson in life

Final Fight
Sometimes bosses are hidden
Final Fight
I don't always encounter Wong, for instance
Final Fight
There's a sea captain that has ass attack
Final Fight
The car man will be crawling on your back

When the red Guy gets the nunchucks
I think that's when you gotta look out
'Cause he can really bring it home

Who wants an electric punch?
Please gather around Dean
As he does his extra joy

Extra joy [repeat]

Final Fight Three~

As you can see we were just that close to naming our site "Haggarsshoulderisbiggerthanhishead", but we were affected by the stanza about a certain gigantism-affected wrestler turned street punk. As much as the shocking brutality of Final Fight Three - known in Japan, quite appropriately, as Final Fight TOUGH - shoots white-hot adrenaline through our limbic systems and envelops us in a furious haze of bloodlust, we have to keep in mind that we have no real quarrel with the rank-and-file street trash we are beating to within an inch of their lives. Is it not the Christian thing to do to forgive these poor souls their trespasses? They have merely made poor choices in their lives. The violence we inflict on them is not given in anger, or spite, or vengeance, but out of love, to show them first hand the consequences of their lifestyle.

No, our quarrel is with the leaders, the Belgers, the Retus, the Blacks of the world; those who have become so corrupted by their ill-led lives that they entangle innocents like Bred, Two P., and Andore Jr. in their sick games. Plus it's also an election year for Haggar and after that whole thing where he was recorded talking into a mic he thought was turned off, calling opposition Alexander Papadopoulos (formerly "The Grater") a "Souvlaki suckin' liberal faggot", he needs to shift the narrative in his campaign from "corrupt, steroid addled homophobe in the pocket of Big Protein Shake" to "heroic mayor who literally beats the shit out of crime".

So that's where we come from. We chose the name Andore Jr. for this site because that's what we're all about: Love, Justice, and the American Way. There is nothing that better exemplifies that than Final Fight.

UPDATE: It turns out that Mike Hanley has an album featuring his magnum opus for sale right here! For ninety-nine cents (or two dollars for the entire album if you aren't a complete chintz), you can demonstrate the incalculable amount of joy and inspiration this song has brought you and yours.

Comments

Wed, 12/31/2008 — Groopity

Anne-doray? I always thought it was pronounced "on door" (as in where you'd find a knob). 2009 is already proving to be a year of exciting new knowledge and experience.

Wed, 12/31/2008 — Ragu

Considering the name is a japanized rip on Andre the Giant's name, I think it should probably be Anne-doray? WHO KNOWS MAN, WHO KNOWS.

Thu, 01/01/2009 — lightningkick

Final Fight Three has made my iTunes library.

Thu, 01/01/2009 — Grapety

Certainly I considered the On-dray factor, but the resemblance was, I felt, less than striking with the fatter, less graceful Andre I was familiar with, and so I rarely made the connection and it just always looked like Andore to me. See, there, I represented the wrong pronunciation with the normal spelling. It cannot be helped.

Thu, 01/01/2009 — Ragu

You aren't alone, though. When I was a kid I used to always pronounce it "An-dore". I also didn't quite catch on what G. Andore, P. Andore, and U. Andore were supposed to stand for. I guess I thought they were some charming Japanese affectation or something, or possibly a first name. Gary Andore, Paul Andore, and um... Urkel Andore?

Fri, 01/02/2009 — Shax

In re: G./U./P. Andore: I can't remember where I read it (probably Nintendo Power), but some source claimed those initials were shorthand for an Andore's family status- Papa Andore, Uncle Andore, Grandpa Andore. That'd suggest Andore is actually a family name, though I like to think it just means all the men in the family are born giant hulking beasts named Andore. Maybe there's a runt every now and then, and that's where Dug comes from.

Just seems more in keeping with the badass level you'd expect considering that an octogenarian Grandpa Andore is still out there, charging into Metro City's mayor and being spinning-clotheslined in return. Now THAT'S an active senior!

Fri, 01/02/2009 — Ragu

As far as I'm aware that's the way it goes, yes! The best thing about Grandpa Andore is that he's actually the strongest of the clan, so even in his golden years he's showing his slacker progeny how they used to do it back in the old country when a suspender-wearing mustachioed public servant tried to run them out of town.

Mon, 01/05/2009 — El Gado

Following that line of inquiry, is it possible that the Andores are in fact descended from emigrants of the Mushroom Kingdom? It seems plausible, given their color-coded familial heirarchy, and their otherwise irrational and seemingly intrinsic aversion to pipes.

Sat, 12/10/2011 — FFFFFFF

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