Point of Haggar #2

Sat, 01/24/2009 — Rev. Ragu

It's been a long time since ol' Mike here "machotized" all you Haggarmaniacs out there! Well, as I'm sure you all know from listening to my syndicated AM talk radio program, I've been busy! While I haven't been pounding the pavement, driving the punks and the street scum out of town with the force of my hard fists and hard holds as much anymore, I've been putting the elitist liberal establishment in my trademark spinning piledriver and slamming them down on that hard concrete sidewalk called "truth". As you may have heard, It's been a historic week, and while I don't approve of Mr. Obama's big-spending, pantywaist, soft-on-crime, liberal hemming and hawing, I can respect that this is a first, and opens up a lot of doors for a lot of people. Why, just think, in another four years, maybe America will be ready for a former street fighter turned wrestler turned big city mayor as president. And believe you me folks, this country is going to need a full-on reverse backdrop after four years of liberal bullshit.

When I got ejected from office due to some outrageous allegations of corruption, several dozen completely unfounded charges of manslaughter, and the fact that I used some blunt language against a certain effete liberal fruitcake who only pinned me in '86 because The Great Kabuki came up from behind and nailed me with a chair, our city's skyrocketing crime rates were finally in decline. After I, along with my good friend Guy and the mysterious Dean, took down the fourth or fifth incarnation of the Mad Gear gang with nothing but our bare fists and a lead pipe, those prissy little lefties at city hall tried to tie my hands. They'd tell me that the police could deal with it, that if I kept letting Rolento and Sodom and Andore Jr. go, they'd just start another gang and wreak havok on our streets once more. Maybe they'd resurrect Belger with some arcane mix science and voodoo magic once again this time!

Listen Haggarmaniacs, history has proved time and time again that you can't just let those criminal elements go free, threatening your society, nay, the foundations of democracy; the principles of liberty, freedom, a roof over your heads, a chicken in every pot, and a gym on every corner. Fixing the conditions that lead misfits and ne'er-do-wells like Damnd and Abigail to seek a criminal life as opposed to a good, honest day's work in the squared circle? What a load of commie horseshit! There will always be these perverts and miscreants around, slackers, bums, and hippies. The only solution is zero tolerance! Let the hardworking citizens of Metro City work, play, and do their sets in peace. If these do-nothing leeches want to continue disrupting our way of life, we need to pound them and all their color-swapped doppelgangers into blinking nonexistence. We need to teach them that the straight and narrow is far preferable to feeling the fists of Mayor Mike repeatedly in their soft parts.

Likewise, I'd like to say the same to Mr. Obama. When my guy, McCain, was campaigning, he promised to follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell - That was all me. Yes, I'm sure all you faithful Haggarmaniacs heard that I was advising him on foreign policy! Now, John McCain is a tough dude, but 'nam did a number on him, and he can't be following anyone to the gates of hell, single handedly, with an array of devastating wrestling maneuvers, anymore. Bin Laden is no Belger, I have to say, and that scrawny little weasel wouldn't last a round against me in the ring. I'd have him in a full nelson begging for mercy within seconds. He may control a vast, sophisticated, terror network, but mano a mano with Macho Mike, he's nothing but a low-down jobber. I volunteered to go across the Pakistani border and find that crumb bum, single handedly pounding every towel-headed punk I see, drop his cadre of evil, overpowered bosses, and then finally reaching him and knocking that rotten bastard off a cliff. These caveman shitheads don't even have the technology to bring him back as a cyborg/zombie blasphemy of nature, either, so all you squeamish liberals pussies who think that it's impossible to fully eradicate evil can wipe up after your weeping vaginas because he'll be G O N E. And with Bin Laden gone, then if he wants me to find any of those Iraqi Insurgents, I'll do that too! Anywhere - across the world - Mighty Mike and his punk-busting friends Guy, Lucia, Maki, Dean, and Carlos will be there to crush the scum, whether on the mean streets or in the mean... desert.

Not Cody though. Cody never cared about justice, Cody only cared about getting his filthy degenerate hands on my daughter. That little rat bastard ingrate and my poor, beautiful daughter are too busy with their insipid reality show "Nobody Picks Cody" now.

Now, even though my guy lost, and America is going down the toilet for the next four years, I'm going to reach across the aisle here - If President Obama wants to abandon his inevitably disastrous foreign policy, if he realizes the folly in trying to talk to our enemies without using excessively loud and ridiculous boasts explaining his supreme masculinity, then Macho Mike's offer stands. Make the right decision for our country, Mr. Obama. You may be a scrawny kid with wimpy, girly policies that won't last a round in the big ring, but take me up on my offer and I'll beef up your administration with a liberal - or should I say, conservative - dose of political steroids.

Really, my schedule is free, Mr. Obama. I mean, I'm not mayor anymore or anything. The fact that I just lost a big chunk on the markets and am going to lose my gym has nothing to do with it. You know, the whole "Team of Rivals" Lincoln thing you keep alluding to? I'm a rival! I am ready and willing to work with you!

I hope I receive your reply soon, Mr. President. Very soon.

Comments


Sun, 01/25/2009 — Grafe

I'm not doing this right, am I. Or worse, I am, and it's just not refreshing for some reason, and I left that same dopey comment three times. Yikers, I hope not.


Sun, 01/25/2009 — Horatio

But anyway, that is the single most inspiring thing I have ever read. Haggar may be the derelict pork chop America so desperately needs.


Sun, 01/25/2009 — Ragu

Yeah, the comments were messing up because notepad decided to stick an invisible unicode control character in one of the backend files I was screwing around with the other day. Hopefully now there are no more evil spirits haunting the code and cursing everyone to have to retype the captcha five or six times.


Sat, 01/31/2009 — Pumpkinbread

It took me two years to seek out the part of styles.css that controlled how big image link borders were, so I'd say you're doing just fine.

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