Puff Puff Twenty Gold

Mon, 09/20/2004 — Rev. Ragu


Oh, I know what you all are doing, staring with your little beady two-pixel eyes, your faces unable to register disgust because you're only a sixteen by sixteen sprite. You're all judging me! Far be it from me to condemn you after you came to me for a little massage with puff puff release after your little wifey wouldn't fade the screen black with you, Mr. Guy - Whose - Name - Rhymes - With - "Farmer - Crop - Loaner" - Who - Also - Sells - Armor. Oh sure, I'm the best, I know all the right pixels that night, but in the morning I'm a WHORE, giving puff puffs to any adventurer who comes along with twenty gold.

Let me tell you something, you bastards. In this land of NPC's, it's hard to make a living. Sure, you can mill around and give adventurers the same piece of questionably useful dialogue over and over again, but that doesn't pay the bills. Look at you! You're fuckin' homeless! Who are you to talk to me about social mores!?! The only people who actually have a place to stay in this shithole little cowtown are selling ludicrously overpriced dragon-pokers, or charging an arm and a leg because they're the only place in town with bed tiles, or because they've locked themselves in behind magic doors and the landlord would have to go all way the hell down to Rimuldar to buy a magic key if they wanted to evict their asses. What kind of life is that, though? Seven tiles, a bed, and a closet? No, I'm a young woman! I have to be free to move, to grow, to live, to love, and if I have to puff puff every adventurer in Alefgard to keep my independance, then by Erdrick, I'll do it!

See, I wasn't lucky enough to be born a besieged damsel and have every man with a crude pixel-thin sword and a rough approximation of a helmet scouring the globe to rescue me, battling valiantly against countless slimes and drakees and ghosts and sorcerors. I clearly don't have the moustache to run my own item business; who's going to buy that I know my Hand Axes from my Bamboo Sticks here if I don't have a bushy, full moustache and a forest-green getup like any good merchant sprite would? We're all reliant on the adventurers who can slaughter monsters for their gold to make our economy work; sure, 20 gold is only one Giant Scorpion or a Magidrakee's worth of gold, but it's enough for me to own my own bathhouse and to employ an attendant to tell people that it's a bathhouse and not just four water tiles inconcievably placed inside a house. I am the one and only Puff Puffer in all of Alefgard; I have a marketable talent and I'll be fucked if I'm going to waste my young life walking randomly and telling people that the cave down south is full of dangerous monsters!

So, do you want me to give you a puff puff or what, buddy?

Comments


Sun, 09/06/2009 — Bred N. Butter

This article was so much sexier before I knew what a "puff puffs" really was.

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