UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

Wed, 01/07/2009 — Fasteriskhead

Dear Andore Jr. Readers,

As you may have heard in recent rumors, Andore Jr. has indeed suffered greatly in the economic downturn of the past year. We're certainly proud of our recent relaunch and the success of the humor products we've released, which have been highly successful. However, sadly, several of our investment side projects in "playing the market" have not gone quite as planned. Recent claims to the effect that "Andore Jr. is a finance/investment firm with a small video game humor arm" are, of course, untrue. All the same, we in the Andore management had indeed placed much of our hope (and nearly all the millions of dollars we'd made over the years) into these "plays." While we still feel that our recently purchased California and Florida property will find interested buyers soon and that our AIG stake can turn around, we must admit at the moment that our speculation caused a slight liquidity problem.

Attempts to receive bridge loans from the United States Congress having failed - Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) put the nail in the coffin when he told the assembly that we were "those cocksuckers who made fun of Rush" - Andore Jr. went on sale late last week. Yesterday we were lucky enough to be acquired by Camo Brewing Company of Las Vegas, best known for their long record of quality publication as well as making 17-proof malt liquor. We understand if some readers feel anxious regarding this new ownership, but there is nothing to be worried about. In fact, access to the wealth of resources offered by Camo will improve our publication on all fronts, and Andore Jr. and its staff are always dedicated to delivering you the same high-quality video game humor product that you're used to.

In an effort to further improve the quality of our site, Andore Jr. has additionally placed some 80% of the staff on creative hiatus. Rather than having to "come to the office" or "write things for the site in exchange for money" or follow any other such staid rituals representing the old way of doing business, these writers will instead be allowed to remain at home, eat reheated mac and cheese, watch Youtube videos until Verizon cuts them off for nonpayment, and whatever else they wish. This revolutionary "creativity first" style of human asset utilization in addition to sector-leading humor product innovation will allow Andore Jr. to augment its market-environment share considerably over the next two to three quarters. Regrettably, we must also lower our dividend by two cents.

In the meantime, Andore readers, look forward to our hilarious upcoming articles: "Top Ten Kick-Ass Motorcycles in Gaming," "Top Ten Brunette Tomboys with Big Titties," and "Top Ten Games whose Companies Advertise on our Site." And while you're at it, kick back with a fine Camo High Gravity Lager, made strong from only the highest-quality malted barley, hops, and additives! As a gamer you have to PLAY HARD - but only CAMO has the taste that lets you DRINK HARD.

Comments

Thu, 01/08/2009 — El Gado

This is such a steaming load of horsecrap! I can't believe Spliff Onus Media would just sell you guys down the river like this, and to CAMO Brewing of all people? It's like W. Randolph Belger himself crawled out of his grave and bowgunned us all in the nuts.

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