The World Ass Jark Meat Plan

Sat, 02/20/2010 — Rev. Ragu

Recently, my attention was drawn to a report that someone had spent $13,100 on an NES with three games. Rather than the asinine observation “DURR, MAYBE I CAN SELL MY NINTENDO ALONG WITH T&C SURF DESIGNS AND NARC AND FINALLY PUT MYSELF THROUGH COLLEGE AND CEASE TO BE AN EMBARASSMENT TO MYSELF AND MY FAMILY,” I was filled with bitterness and venom, for the game that put it over the top was a boxed copy of the apparently ultra-rare Stadium Events.

Stadium Events? What the hell? That is the game that Nintendo pulled off the market and hastily rebranded as World Class Track Meet, after they filed off the name from Bandai's Family Fun Fitness pad and stuck their own Power Pad label on it. So that's it: Someone paid thirteen grand for fucking World Class Track Meet, or that game where God Mode was basically “hit the stupid pad with your hands instead of your feet.” It's the rarest NES game out there, yes, but it's also a huge piece of worthless dogshit that has never brought a moment of joy to anyone in its entire existence, any historical significance it has has already been meticulously documented, it was rereleased in a form in which you can acquire it for fifty cents at a pawn shop, there's a ROM image out there ensuring that the apathy and nagging ennui of playing Stadium Events will persist forevermore, and its only value is in its scarcity. The only happiness and personal fulfillment this $13,100 copy of argh fuck and piss World Class Track Meet will bring its owner will be a momentary glimmer of something resembling emotion as he sees his collection complete, a single sparking of perhaps not joy, but at least something, in this sad fucker's life.

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Thu, 01/14/2010 — Rev. Ragu

You've tasted the sweet, sweet forbidden fruit of serial copyright infringement with the Touch Boy brand Gameboy copier - feels pretty good to be playing Go! Go! Tank, Catrap, Amazing Tater, and Bubble Ghost for free, eh? Didn't hurt as much as you thought. Helicopters didn't hover overhead, men in black balaclavas wielding submachineguns did not rappel through your windows, you were not manhandled and beaten about with the butt-end of a rifle by burly copyright enforcers, stripped, hosed down with freezing water, carried into a windowless gray room, buck naked, forced to answer deeply personal questions about yourself, your family, your love life, where you got the idea that you could play Boomers Adventure and Battle Bull without paying a dime. Feels really good, in fact. Maybe what they've been telling you about right and wrong and crime and punishment is completely false. Maybe... there are other forbidden fruits that are just as delicious.

Touch Boy

Yes. Yessss. Your gray market Gameboy copying device knows. It knows that all morality is arbitrary. You've been playing Maru's Mission and Kwirk: He's A-Maze-Ing for years now. Never leaving your house. Afraid that everyone will know. You're marked, you're tainted. So just let go. You have nothing to lose. You're already bound for hell, figuratively speaking, why not throw a few more proverbial coals on the flames?

Come on man. Try it once. Fly. You can't get a habit from Touch Boy. Quit anytime you like~*

Touch Boy

*Please note: The Andore Seven does not wish to condone or promote the sexual abuse of children, nor the illicit copying and download of Gameboy hits such as Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle and Penguin Wars. Be good, folks

WIZROBE: The Story Behind The Album Part 1

Wed, 12/02/2009 — Rev. Ragu

In 1989, Wizrobe released their most popular album to date, "Pussy Liquors & Fine Spirits." The album, widely known as a drastic departure from their EPIC FANTASY METAL roots, sent Wizrobe hurtling into the mainstream, the album eventually going triple platinum. Rather than the triumphal lyrics praising the deeds of the folkloric heroes of old and spinning fearful tales of the beasts that lurk on the edge of humanity's collective imagination, Wizrobe's new style was of the much more mainstream SEXY REACTION METAL (also must be capitalized). With the raunchy licks and erotically charged lyrics, Wizrobe found much wider appeal than merely blaring from parents' basements during all-night Dungeons & Dragons marathons.

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From a Concerned Citizen to the Assaram Chamber of Commerce

Tue, 11/10/2009 — Rev. Ragu

As I'm sure you're well aware, Assaram has long been known as a city of the highest moral character, where good folks can raise their children, far away from the unchecked hedonism of Romaly and the ceaseless mincing of Shampane. A faithful and observant oasis in a desert of heathens, from the shocking man-Gods of Isis to the backwards deviltry of Jipang and even the bloody savagery of the Soo. We, the people of Assaram have been steadfast in our opposition to the seductive sensualism of a world gone rotten to its very core, where heroes feel they can wander into anyone's home and ransack their treasure chests for gold and tiny medals, and you can't walk three steps outside the town walls without running into a random encounter.

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Tue, 01/13/2009 — Rev. Ragu

Gentle readers; as Fasteriskhead previously announced, we have been bought out by Camo Brewing. While this means that the terrible convulsions and cold sweats are finally over, it does also mean that we're a shell of what we once were - an Andore One Point Four to our former Andore Seven. But we've promised to bring you the same top shelf video game laffs for bottom shelf prices. Just like Camo brand Malt Liquor, we're the smooth taste that creeps up on you. Due to contractual obligations and certainly not because of extreme chemical dependency fueling a desperate need to satisfy our new sugar daddy corporate overlords, we're going to keep bringing you more and more of our unique takes on the wild 'n wacky world of video games with our usual intelligence and irreverent wit. So climb into your comfiest chair, sip and savour an ice cold Camo, and come along with me for the show!


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RE4: Stranger

Wed, 01/04/2006 — Brooke

The dirt path gave way to puddled ruts as Leon stumbled away, his breath ragged and cracked with sobs. Tears cutting through the grime and crusted fluids on his face. The mud splashed his clothes, permanently discolouring his vintage bomber jacket that he completed Resident Evil 2 fourteen times to get. But it was nothing to the stain left on his purity when Ada had tried to touch him, to - he could scarcely bear to think of it now - to kiss him.

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Dark Shadows Revisited

Mon, 01/02/2006 — Brooke

(As Video Game Character Polio Awareness Month has been unceremoniously changed to Erotic Video Game Fanfiction Appreciation Month, we at Andore thought it might be prudent to revisit one of the earliest and finest pieces of the genre to ever grace our collective screens while FALL OF THE COLOSSUS: PART THREE is being finalized. Mysteriously sent to my inbox back in 2002 by an author only known as 'ScArReD Tissue', this piece has it all: action, betrayal, lust, and true love. Look upon this work, ye mighty, and despair.)

Dark Shadows
An erotic discourse by
ScaRrRed Tissue

Soft weeping rang through the otherwise silent castle, eching through the empty halls like the pealing of mourning bells. The castle had never been a cheerful place, but when Yorda wept it became downright miserable. She did not cry often - experience with her mother the Queen had taught her otherwise - but this day she could not help it. They had been so close to escape when the bridge had drawn apart...and now she was back in her cage, far about the floor. She would never escape now. Thunder rumbled in the distance, adding a sad beat to her own sobs.

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The Fall of the Colossus - Chapter 2

Sun, 01/01/2006 — Bloiffy

Wander's feet felt like lead, his head was dead, filled with bread. He pulled himself forward, step by step, his huge muscular legs, like slender treetrunks, propelled by the Power of Love. Another few paces and he'd be atop the flight of stairs leading into the shrine, and his lover, his onee-sama, his angel-tenshi-princess... she would be among the living once more.

Atop the stairs, he heard the delicate whinny of his own dear Aggro. He began to call out to his steed, until his eyes fell upon the pedestal on which Mono, his own dear love, had been laid.

What in Dormin's name is this?

There, writhing in shameful, painful, maneful esctasy, was Mono. She had awoken!! The spell was broken!! Her clothes were ... soakin'?

Soaken, like Wander's had been with the blackened, tangy black blood of boundless colossi brethren.

Soaking ... with betrayal.

Betrayal and horse semen.

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