MOVING ON UP

Sat, 10/31/2009 — Rev. Ragu

Greetings, Andoremaniacs and Poisonphiliacs, Haggarlovers and Guyfriends; but if you like Cody you can straight-up fuck off! Ha, ha! Just kidding, no one likes Cody.

Like the proud people of the planet Darius, we've been driven from our ancestral home; driven by giant mechanical fish of whom, we had been assured, were "approaching fast". For that long week we've been scattered, beaten, and marginalized. Yet, no matter how dark the days became, no matter how many clouds kept us from seeing the sun in the sky and warmth of our creator (Takahiro "T. Himoto" Himoto), we never lost faith - Faith in the cold, refreshing taste of CAMO brand malt liquor, the smooth taste that you won't see coming. With hope in our hearts and Camo on our breath, love set us free, and we stumbled and propellered with the grace of a lager-drunk ballerina face-first into The Motherland.

No longer are we the 2P to another's 1P, the red guy to the other's blue guy, the Pop to someone's Chack'n! We are no longer content to play this cosmic Goldeneye game with the shitty red controller with the broken analogue stick against the dude who owns the Nintendo 64 and has memorized all the fucking levels and insists on playing on License To Kill! Andore Jr. is now its own man, to shine on its own, free from the yoke of an oppressive domain name of which it is perpetually the sub. Like at the end of Double Dragon on the Nintendo where Jimmy Lee was revealed to be behind all the Bull Shit, we've come out from the darkness and revealed ourselves to be the true Shadow Boss. And now, only twelve ethnically diverse martial artists from around the world can stop us, after battling through a brutal, no-holds-barred, free-for-all bloodsport of our design...

Welcome to Andorejr.com!

...Sak's Boner Wave is really fucking cheap, by the way, and he pretty much just spams it for the whole match. Fucking SNK bosses.

Lick Joe for Camo Malt Liquor

Mon, 02/02/2009 — Rev. Ragu

I'm Lick Joe. You all might know me from my wrestling days before my profession was revoked, or as the former Number One Quarreler in the Violence Fight circuit. Pitting flesh against flesh, you learn a lot about the savagery within yourself, the cruelty and vanity of violence, and the endless, perhaps Sisyphean, struggle to hang on to the glory of being the best. But the most important thing I learned? That Camo Malt Liquor is the smooth taste that sneaks up on you. With premium, all-natural, organic ingredients* brewed to perfection by award winning** brewmasters, Camo goes down smooth all the way to the last gulp. When you've got to be on the top of your game to keep a motley bunch of mobsters, general businessmen, and traffic violators entertained every night with gruesome, modern-day gladiatorial spectacle, you need a cold drink that will go down easy to bring you down at the end of the day. Despite not being legally allowed to drink Camo Malt Liquor following the settlement, I've been assured by my manager here carrying the enormous pile of money that it's tremendous stuff, and were my probation conditions slightly more lenient, it would be my choice too. So CAMO, BOY and drink like the champions.

Camo Malt Liquor - You won't see it until it hits ya.

* carbon-based
** winner, "world's greatest dad", 1991-1994

TOP FIVE SEXY SEX SEX VIDEO GAME SEX FUCK

Tue, 01/13/2009 — Rev. Ragu

Gentle readers; as Fasteriskhead previously announced, we have been bought out by Camo Brewing. While this means that the terrible convulsions and cold sweats are finally over, it does also mean that we're a shell of what we once were - an Andore One Point Four to our former Andore Seven. But we've promised to bring you the same top shelf video game laffs for bottom shelf prices. Just like Camo brand Malt Liquor, we're the smooth taste that creeps up on you. Due to contractual obligations and certainly not because of extreme chemical dependency fueling a desperate need to satisfy our new sugar daddy corporate overlords, we're going to keep bringing you more and more of our unique takes on the wild 'n wacky world of video games with our usual intelligence and irreverent wit. So climb into your comfiest chair, sip and savour an ice cold Camo, and come along with me for the show!

TOP FIVE SEXY SEX SEX VIDEO GAME SEX FUCK

UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

Wed, 01/07/2009 — Fasteriskhead

Dear Andore Jr. Readers,

As you may have heard in recent rumors, Andore Jr. has indeed suffered greatly in the economic downturn of the past year. We're certainly proud of our recent relaunch and the success of the humor products we've released, which have been highly successful. However, sadly, several of our investment side projects in "playing the market" have not gone quite as planned. Recent claims to the effect that "Andore Jr. is a finance/investment firm with a small video game humor arm" are, of course, untrue. All the same, we in the Andore management had indeed placed much of our hope (and nearly all the millions of dollars we'd made over the years) into these "plays." While we still feel that our recently purchased California and Florida property will find interested buyers soon and that our AIG stake can turn around, we must admit at the moment that our speculation caused a slight liquidity problem.