Games That Never Were, Entry #65535

Sat, 02/14/2009 — Rev. Ragu

The Ultimate LOOM, Lucasarts, PC

Description: From the fantastic imagination of Brian Moriarty and Lucasarts comes a new, magical adventure starring Bobbin Threadbare. After Chaos is unleashed on the world of the guilds, unleashing a reign of terror unlike any have known before or since, our hero Bobbin Threadbare comes back to settle the score - and this time it's No More Mr. Nice Weaver. Arm yourself with fifteen realistic weapons from your simple distaff to a battery operated bandsaw, a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun, and even the FUKU-50,000 Murder Cannon! Fight through fifteen stages of hideous, bloodthirsty beasts, solve enchanting puzzles, and get psyched to fight with fifteen all-new Tchaikovsky covers by heavy metal monsters Megadeth! Loom is back and better than ever, and this time the only melodies Threadbare's going to belt out this time are funeral dirges.

Why It Failed: With the decline of the adventure game genre, prior their singular focus on wringing value from an increasingly irrelevant movie franchise, Lucasarts wanted to wring value from the irrelevant genre that put them on the map. Unfortunately, as Grim Fandango proved, people just didn't want point and click adventure games anymore, preferring to point and click on human shapes with guns. There had to be a fundamental reevaluation of the genre if they wanted it to survive. So they dug up their creaky old Loom property, beloved by at least three, and attempted a new direction. Loom was an elegant and beautiful point-and-click adventure game which eschewed the conventions of the genre, removing inventory and the verb-noun parser, replacing it with a system of environmental manipulation through small musical passages. This had to be updated for the current trends in video gaming, so while the limited parser remained, the musical puzzles had to go. In their place was a completely new puzzle dynamic, in which you altered your environment by putting hundreds of thousands of rounds of ammunition into anything that moves. Complaints about Grim Fandango's Resident Evil-like control scheme were heard, too, so instead of seeing your character from the outside and feeling as if you're moving a tank, you would now see the action from the eyes of Bobbin Threadbare himself! Excited previews in the game magazines of the time heralded it as the second coming of the adventure game, a truly forward-thinking game that had dropped all the baggage that had been weighing down the genre, baggage which had become ever more apparent since the birth of the first person shooter. No more pixel hunting, trial-and-error, and frustrating problem solving, just something that all the gamers of the day could agree upon - Guns, gore, and explosions.

Sadly contractual disputes with Megadeth over the soundtrack were the beginning of the end for this game, as Dave Mustaine and the producers would often come to blows over the direction of the music, Mustaine denouncing the Tchaikovsky as "faggot shit" and wanting to instead do songs about "shit blowin' up and people dyin' man." The original designer, Brian Moriarty, also proved uncooperative; rousing him from his constant whiskey-drunk blackouts that were the norm throughout the entire project proved a lost cause. Problems kept compounding on the project, and development came to a halt. Sadly, all that's left to go on is an early demo of the "Guild of Huge Titties" stage.

Game journalists often claim that The Ultimate Loom could have single-handedly resurrected the adventure game, but now we will never know.


Fri, 09/09/2005 — Fasteriskhead

In 1979, some three years after the co-creation of their landmark avant-garde opera Einstein on the Beach, composer Philip Glass and stage producer Robert Wilson briefly reunited to consider the possibility of a sequel. Wilson, having become fascinated with Space Invaders through the latter half of '78, lured Glass in with the possibility of creating a new work loosely devoted to the subject of the then-new topic of video gaming. Although never completed to any great degree, portions of the new opera were sketched out in draft and the project was given a tentative title, basing itself off of the classic shooter Galaxian.

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Games That Never Were, Entry #141.15

Tue, 08/24/2004 — Tome

Synopsis: Utilizing his high-tech sneaking suit and communicator compromised out of Currently-Existing Technology, Milton sets upon a mission to infiltrate the Initech compound. Can he rescue his Swingline before the fiendish Bill Lumbergh discovers his presence?

Fate - After eighteen months of development, this destined-to-be-cult-favorite game was shelved when Sony began its multimillion-dollar multimedia advertising blitz for the upcoming Playstation 2. Konami's Ultra Games development team, having already garnered success with Metal Gear Solid - V.R. Missions and Metal Gear Solid - Integral, Ultra set about creating a new game set within the universe created for the cult-classic film Office Space, starring the mousy, paranoid software engineer Milton Waddams. Unfortunately, Konami decided that they did not wish to spend the fifteen extra dollars to port this would-be classic to the new-and-exciting Playstation 2. Gamers are left wondering what could have been.

Games That Never Were, Entry #17

Tue, 07/27/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Don't Copy That Floppy: The Copyright Caper

Company: SIIA/America Online

Platform(s): Mac/PC

Description: In this freely-distributed educational game, you will take control of the hip and savvy MC DP (short for Disk Protector) to learn about the perils of copyright abuse. The evil Floppy Filcher and his henchmen want to hypnotize the world into thinking that stealing software is okay, and it's up to you to stop him! Guide DP through three levels of Piracy Purgatory, solving puzzles and answering trivia questions using all of your knowledge of copyright ethics and the fallacies of theft. Watch out, though, as danger lurks around every corner, and Floppy Filcher will stop at nothing to defeat DP once and for all!

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Games That Never Were, Entry #9

Fri, 07/16/2004 — Fasteriskhead

Real Muthaphuckkin G's Starring Eazy-E

Company: Acclaim

Platform(s): Genesis/SNES

Description: Guide Eazy through the streets of Los Angeles, fighting against the nefarious Dr. Dre and his endless hordes of studio gangstas!! Explore six incredibly detailed levels laying the 187 down on hos, suckas, FBI Agents, and the motherfucking police in your quest to help Eazy become an O.G. and confirm his status as a "ruthless villain!" Battle Ice Cube in Compton to see who will get raped with a broomstick, then cruise down the street in your 64 capping any knucklehead who tries to start some shit! Then, finally, storm the headquarters of Death Row Records, a death trap disguised as a gothic cathedral/'30s-era factory, where you will meet that mangy-ass skinny mutt motherfucker Snoop Dogg and eventually face Dre himself!! You can even have two players at once, with M.C. Ren joining Eazy on his crusade.

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