The Emperor's Liver

Wed, 08/02/2006 — Fasteriskhead

Yeah, so me and the rest of the Secret Order are probably gonna go out for drinks later, you interested? There's actually a bar a few levels up from the flight deck, it's kind of shitty (never clean, all they play through the PA is the fucking classic rock station, and the only live acts are '70s-era cover bands on Fridays and Saturdays) but the beer is pretty cheap and usually it's not too crowded.

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A Wacky Week Of The Sims 2!!!

Fri, 09/24/2004 — Fasteriskhead

(excerpted from second page)

After having given Queequeg Ganesha a while to adjust to his new surroundings, I decided the time was ripe to START A-KILLIN'!!! Notice how I have walled this guy in so that he can't get out, and he starves to death! And when he dies, DEATH HIMSELF actually shows up to take his life! And then his ghost haunts Ganesha's house afterwards! And... and... oh my god. I'm fucking pulling forth easily-observed humorous events from a video game in a way that was already done days ago in a far funnier fashion on a site that's actually devoted to gaming, and I'm presenting the sum as a work of comedy. I... jesus. What the fuck am I even doing with my life? Do people actually even READ this crap before they click on the dumb banner ad up there and kick us a few cents? Does anyone really give two shits about my concerted efforts to churn pages and pages of this stuff out on a weekly basis, or do they just mechanically click on the favorite tab every day and run their eyes over the stupid words? Fucking Christ, why do I even bother.

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On Hope

Sat, 07/24/2004 — Fasteriskhead

As I sit there in the dark at 4:00 a.m. staring at my moniter, a voice in the back of my mind proposes, "Hey!! Maybe if I can get my Ice Blaster here up to level 30, then my life can change for the better!" It grows more and more convincing with each passing moment. "The fact that I've flunked out of college and my entire family hates me and my parents refuse to give me any kind of recognition or aid won't matter! While women may look at me with a mixture of disgust and pity and right now I seem to be destined to a life of bitter loneliness without a hint of love or intimacy, all that is soon to change! Today I may be stuck in a shitty, go-nowhere job delivering stale inedible pizza, and when I return home I may look with a certain grim joy at the knife I've placed on the edge of the bathtub (in preperation for when I will finally escape this hell that is life), but NO MORE!" Yes, for with only a few missions further, Admiral Algor will reach the big three-oh; at last I will be the king of single-combat damage, and finally I can know of that elusive "joie de vivre." Women will flock to me and I will reach the fame and fortune of which I have always dreamed.

Time passes. Of course, when Admiral Algor does eventually turn over, none of it happens.

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Andore Jr.: All Things to All Men

Mon, 07/12/2004 — Nice Chloe

Although Andore JR., the website upon which you are presently gazing with all of your Face Eyes, has only been kicking up a tiny dust storm here in Internet Central for approximately a quarter of a metric fortnight, it is already many things to many people. Bloiffiko Breadman, for instance, is already using the server as a storage facility for his illegal stockpile of industrial-strength sulphur; on the other hand, Brandon "T-Eel" Teel, better known to his parishioners as the Right Rockin' Reverend Ragu, has a private room in the back garden next to the greenhouse in which he gains the trust of wayward adolescents by telling them tales of God-Jesus' epic triumphs over adversity, manic depression, and eventually God himself, only to abuse that trust by slipping mild hallucinogens into their whiskey, filling their pockets with coins, herding them into a nearby arcade, and watching events unfold however they do.

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Omake: Monkey Donkey

Sat, 07/10/2004 — Tome

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