Wed, 08/31/2005 — Rev. Ragu

Hi, kids. I'm Fire Worrior. I'm here to talk to you about fire, and how we should continually be Worried about it.

No, they were too cheap to get Smokey the God-Damned Bear here. Listen, I'll tell you about Smokey. Dude has a coke habit the size of Rhode Island, so you can't get him to speak for anything less than a mil plus expenses. He gets his friggin' handlers to go light some fires in these tinder dry forests in the dead of summer, then he comes in on his private helicopter like fuckin' Galahad or some shit and tells everyone ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES YADDA YADDA YADDA and expects everyone to pony up the cash for his Valuable Lesson About Nature and Fire Safety. Fuck him. Motherfucker won't even return my calls...

...What, fire safety? Sorry, once I get started on Smokey the Bear, that cock-smoking piece of shit... Sorry, sorry. Okay, fires, right. Look at me. I'm on fire, a perpetual, unending blaze. You don't know how much this fucking hurts. Why am I this way? Let me tell you: This is what happens when you play with matches. From then on, I've been continually Worried about fire. Everything I touch goes up in a spectacular blaze. I can't get a good night's sleep without burning my damned bed to ashes and winding up on my floor, probably in yet another Towering Inferno. Sex is a major issue; I'm a pretty attractive, well-built guy, and the women out there are intrigued by the danger-aspect of dating a man who is eternally burning, but they aren't eager for the internal third-degree burns that come with the fucking thing. To top it off, every asshole I walk past thinks they should dump some water on the man on fire as some kind of charitable action. No, you idiots, I'm on fire! Forever! Stop-drop-and-roll es no worky!! I do my smouldering hair up all nice for a job interview because SMOKEY DOES NOT NEED A SIDEKICK AT THIS MOMENT SIR I'M SORRY BLAH BLAH BLAH I LIKE HUGE DICKS IN MY FURRY ANUS and some dipshit dumps a barrel of water on me. OH DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE JOB PROSPECTS FOR A MAN ON FIRE HERE. Too much of a "risk" they say. LISTEN YOU GOD-DAMNED DOUCHEFUCKERS, I'VE BEEN ON FIRE LONG ENOUGH AND I THINK I WORRY ENOUGH ABOUT MY FLAMINGNESS THAT I WON'T SET YOUR FUCKING SEVEN-ELEVEN UP IN A HELLISH BLAZE; THE PUTRID STENCH OF FRYING TWINKIES AND CHEAP HOT-DOGS COVERING THE TOWN FOR DAYS. Not that I have any experience with inadvertantly burning down Seven-Elevens of course.

So kids, be Worried about fire. Be very Worried about it. Whether it comes from a match, a lighter, or a Wicked Power from the Sky, don't FUCK AROUND with it. You won't be happy with the results. Only you can prevent yourself from becoming a constantly smouldering effigy of a human being. And fuck Smokey, I came up with that slogan like, years before your weakassed little platitude. Lawyer told me there's no way I'll lose the case, so we'll see who has the last laugh, fuckface. Yeah, that's right you look like a fucking Village Person in that hat, asshole. I heard about you and Yogi, yeah, that's right, I'll tell the tabloids and you'll be RUINED, cocksucker, just you wait. Fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU SMOKEY THE PUSSY FAGGOT BEAR FUCKING GOD DAMN THIS BEING ON FIRE HURTS.

What, the fire department? Oh, fuck you, I'll leave when I'm good and god-damned HBLBHGLBLGLGLB FUBLDLCK OBLGLGLBLFBLFF

[At this point, Fire Worrior was ejected from the stage via high-pressure water hoses. The residual fires he left behind were dealt with promptly, and no major injuries or structural damage were sustained. The planned Mental Health seminar being held, with former Pro-Wrestler Insane Worrier as keynote speaker, will happen as scheduled.]


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