~do you remember love?~

Mon, 07/12/2004 — Rev. Ragu

Hi there! My name is Brandon, I'm twenty-one years old, my astrological sign is scorpio, and my measurements are a SE-CR-ET. Basically, due to my lack of education and severe brain-damage stemming from my participation in an underground brawling circuit to bring honor to my motherland (The Democratic Socialist States of Canada), avenge my best friend who was murdered by the evil overlord DALK KRAIZER (One-time VBF champion and former Prime Minister Bear Hugger, we hardly knew ye), determine the fate of the world, and just plain do it for THE LOVE OF THE FIGHT, I was brought into this project to both fill their affirmative action handicap quotas and to bring an extra spicy taste of exotic Canuckian sex appeal to the table. Certainly, I may be mentally deficient, but much like a poor, hairy, broad-chested, budget-Labatts-and-Back-Bacon stinking Paris Hilton, you can see past that pesky lack of inner beauty to my GLISTENING MASCULINE PECTORALS. That and there's some poorly-shot videotape of me circulating around, and let me just say that I was young and stupid and that Bloiffy is a rotten son-of-a-bitch.

So, I suppose you're wondering how exactly I got this way; how exactly I got so darned dumb? How did the MASTERS OF BRUTE LEGEND tournament leave me a shambles; a mere shadow of the man I used to be, pleasuring only in reruns of M.A.N.T.I.S. and applesauce day at the group home? Well, you see, inspired by Emmy Award Winning Vocal Artist Stan Bush, I had the touch, and I had the power; when all hell's breaking loose I am right in the eye of the storm! Certainly, I had no previous fighting experience, and you could say that crying during High School dodgeball is a bit of a liability in a VIOLENT FIGHTING CIRCUIT, but I had a hell of a lot of heart. If there ever was an underdog waiting in the shadows to pull ahead, it was me.

Well, first fight, giant mexican named Jesus Hernandez... Well he didn't actually say he was mexican, I just assumed from the giant sombrero, bandoliers, and poncho. Anyway, nasty fuck. The stink of chalupas breath permeated from at least five-hundred meters away, and he taunted with downright uncalled-for Mexican euphemism for "homosexual" such as "Si, senor, tu es muchos FAGGOT" and "Chupar me pene, GAY CAKES" among others too nasty for this page. I, personally, was incensed by this, not because I am insecure with my sexual orientation but simply because it is not gentlemanly conduct before a fight! Someone willing to sink so far below honor, why my quick thinking would surely bring this brute down!

First five seconds, Muchacho Taco Slam. I'm out. Six months later, I leave the coma and begin the long road to rehabilitation. Sitting in the group home, making vaguely discernable language-like noises and slapping together alphabet blocks in a desperate attempt to draw attention to the fact that I had once again shat myself, my old friend Sak comes to tell me about this project he's working on.

"So yeah, a joint site about video games. I'm getting a bunch of smart, witty writers to write content, and, well..."


"Well, there's some stupid Goddamn affirmative action law in place now. We have to hire a 'differently abled' person. You believe that shit? We were going to get a cripple, but they all threw some bitchy fit about calling them 'cripples' and well long story short I'd like to just SEE those fucks try to call the ACLU now in the state they're in."

I made a few other excited squealing noises.

"So yeah, Fsharp thought hiring someone who didn't really understand what we mean when we call you a mongoloid would probably work out the best. We'll give you applesauce every day and we've got the entire run of Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future on VHS. Clean change of underwear every day and we promise we won't laugh at your crippling mental inadequacies too much. What do you say?"

And well, here we are now. From this semi-literate staffer to you, I'd just like to welcome you to Andore Jr., where anything is possible and dreams come true... For a price... A sexy price.


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