Mayor Mike Haggar: Found?

Wed, 08/17/2005 — Fasteriskhead

It was a dusky day on my Florida vacation. We were driving back from a fruitless trip to the local mall in Ft. Walton Beach when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something so wonderful that words as we hold them can not express the feeling of that moment. It was one of those ROTATING BILLBOARDS with a set of some three adds being turned continuously, and one of those ads happened to be, well...

I managed to snap this picture at the exact moment that the billboard was switching over, and we were long gone before I could have managed anything clearer. But the evidence is clear: Mike Haggar, after years working as the mayor of metro city, street fighter, and pro wrestler, has finally turned to pursue his secret passion: dress and casual clothing for professional men and women.

The website for the Haggar Clothing Company is surprisingly quiet about the true identity of the man behind it. It isn't long before the plot thickens, and we begin to consider ideas far more complex than the simple narrative of "Mike Haggar stops beating the shit out of street gangs, starts selling suits and slacks." The history section of the site clearly states as the company's founding moment, "J.M. Haggar Sr., a 34 year-old Lebanese immigrant who recognized the need for quality pants for the working man found Haggar Clothing Co. in 1926 [emphasis mine]. Little did he know that it would become a multi-million dollar enterprise." Assuming we are to take them at their word, a number of conclusions can be drawn. Firstly: Mike is actually Haggar's middle name (what the J. stands for is anyone's guess). Secondly: the clothing company must have existed far before even Haggar's wrestling career; Occam's Razor suggests that the business has been passed on through the family, funds borrowed from it were used to finance Haggar's political career, and in recent years Haggar has returned to take up the business and the mantle of the family patriarch. Thirdly: assuming Haggar isn't 112+ years old, the J.M. Haggar we deal with here must be an ancestor of the present subject; assuming the passing of several generations, we may tentatively conclude that Haggar's full name is actually Mayor J. Mike Haggar III. Fourthly: Haggar is by ethnicity Lebanese. Thus we should not be surprised to find in the future a big burly mustachoed man in a very nice pair of slacks clotheslining large numbers of Syrian gang members with ill intentions.

This is an important discovery for our investigation, but we cannot allow it to make us complacent. We must press on.


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