Point of Haggar #1: Well-Oiled Machine

Wed, 11/03/2004 — Sak

Oh, hey! Didn't see you come in! Pull up a chair, it's faux leather. Picked it up at Truckie's Vintage Furniture for about 12 bucks. I'm Mike Haggar -- you might remember me from a stint as Mike "The Champ" Haggar on the Saturday Night Slam Masters professional wrestling circuit! These days I'm doing my best to wrestle the legal system! That's right, I'm now Mike "The Mayor" Haggar! Of Metro City, no less!

So what's an old wrestlemaniac like me have to tell you? How about this thing we call Democracy? It's great! It runs like a well oiled-machine, and I'm here to tell you all about the cogs and the circuitry that keep that machine a-runnin'! At the federal level, this country consists of three branches: the Executive, the Legislative, and the Judicial, all of which perform checks and balances on the other branches to make sure one does not obtain more power than the others!

The Legislative branch is the branch that creates the laws! The Legislative branch consists of the House of Representatives and the Senate! The Legislative branch is widely considered a bunch of pussies. In 1982, I was in a No Holds Barred Cage Match against my arch nemesis Alexander the Grater. It looked like a definite victory for Grater -- he had cornered me into his famous "Butcher By Day, Grater By Night!" double suplex flying crotch attack -- I was at his mercy. Due to some quick fandangling I shimmied my way out of the attack! I then performed the Swirling Backwards Double Piledriver on Grater and claimed the belt for myself! Do you honestly think a bunch of homos like the Legislative branch could pull that off? Don't think so!

The Judicial branch is the branch that judges the laws and makes sure they are fair! You know what's not fair, though? When my daughter Jessica was kidnapped by the Mad Gear gang back in '89. What do you think would've happened to my daughter if I would've listened to frivolties such as due process and laws? Dead. I took the law into my own hands. Every punk within an 80 mile radius was at the wrath of these two hands. These two spinning hands, that is! In a battle against Andore JR. and what appeared to be his father, grandfather, and uncle I was backed into a corner. The Andores gnawing and gnashing at my limbs! It was then that the memory of my daughter Jessica and the failings of this great nation's judicial system inspired me to invent the SPINNING CLOTHESLINE, a very complex move that involves me clenching my fists, outstretching my arms, and spinning on one foot.

The Executive branch? Man, these past four years have been great. No qualms.

Mayor Mike Haggar, hoping you learned a little bit, over and out! Oh, and here's a reminder to all of you to vote this November second! Voting is an integral part of our well oiled machine of Democracy! Don't think your vote counts? Think again! And remember, drugs can't -- what? What was that? It's the fourth of November? You -- you've got to be kidding me. Haha! Well, it happens!

-Mike "The Mayor / The Champ" Haggar


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