5. THE ADVENTURES OF LINK'S DINK

Ooh la la! You're not the one waking up, the Princess is, but looks like she's got a mean case of "morning wood" if you know what I mean! I mean, I'm not insinuating that Princess Zelda has a penis. I'm not, really. She's got a pretty face, so I suppose I could live with it if she did, but seriously, I meant LADY WOOD [I do not know if that is a real thing, please check - Ragu]. Anyway, Princess Zelda's been snoozing for a while and as such, aside from Impa coppin' a feel once in a while, she hasn't got much action! So, upon waking, she is just ready and rarin' and quite literally jumping onto Link's jock, immediately cramming her tongue down his throat. Too bad about that curtain or we could be getting quite a show, rawr! Produced by Miyahon!

4. Night E-Mission

My little Crazy Climber sure is climbing - Climbing to attention, that is! I'd scale her building face, if you know what I mean! I... I mean my Crazy Climber is my penis. And her building face is... I guess it's her bust and body? Look man, I see some asscrack here. If you went to an arcade in 1989, the most asscrack you'd usually be seeing would be on the fucking guy hogging the Final Fight machine. Dude, it's a two player game, we can both play! Except you smell like cheese and socks and Aqua Velva and there's a bunch of crusty white shit on your baby blue sweatpants. God I don't even want to play with you now... For skin of bust and body? I'd like to put my foreskin on that bust and body!! Not his. No, God, not his.

3. Hole in One!

In a cold, iron sarcophagus, silver tendrils poke and prod your soft tissues, frigid metal rubbing against hot flesh and shooting icy shocks up your spine. You struggle to get free, but the unfeeling machinery holds you in place. You scream - but there is only an irate, grayed out old guy to hear your pleas. Tears roll down your face as you begin to envision a private, secret place, away from the torment of this moment. Perhaps death would be preferable to this violation - but you must yet survive! It will be over soon, but not soon enough.

2. Mega Man Legendary Asses!

HOLY SHIT! That is some straight-up Playstation Porno right there! God of War, move over, because Megaman was getting an eyeful of some fine ass ladies YEARS before. Someone get me a cup of "hot coffee" because I'm so drunk on ass right now! Megaman may have revolutionized the "run and shoot" game years before, but here's something else that the series innovated: Asses. Asses in video games. Before Megaman Legends 2, one had to press pause on precisely the right frame to rub one out to Cammy's asscheeks. But now that Megaman Legends 2 has shown the way to a beautiful future, fine asses are the birthright of all video game players. It's a bit square, of course - the ass, I mean. But here we are talking about the radiant light of innovation! Like the Wright Brothers' first flight or Edison's lightbulb, it would be a shame not to recognize this singular achievement - in gaming, nay, in humanity! So the next time you play Megaman Legends, please think of all the struggle it took to bring you this ass and consider masturbating triumphantly in tribute.

1. Time Gal

Oh Time Gal. Where did we go wrong? Baby, I want you back so bad. I'm sorry for all the things I've done. I'm sorry for Athena, and Yuko, and Moby, and all those others. They meant nothing to me! I know that you're the only skimpily dressed teenage heroine for me now. Come back to me, girl. I'll follow you to the ends of the earth - to the end of time itself! I know it's hard for you to keep doing this. Everyone and everything in every time period wants you dead for some unknown and arbitrary reason. Tyrannosaurs, our distant cro-magnon ancestors, post apocalyptic punks, roman gladiators, the combined might of the Japanese military apparatus at the height of its power - but you know that I don't. Baby, I don't care if the threads of time come unfurled and the bearded guy becomes the Eternal Time Emperor. Just come back to me, and we can make love under the moonlight and watch as altered causality transforms everything we know into something completely unrecognizable. Just come back, baby. Come back.