WHAT IF... A SQUARESOFT INTERNET NERD PERFORMED STAND UP IN 1996?

Wed, 12/24/2008 — Sak

Check one, two. This thing on? Everyone doin' okay, tonight? Good, good. Before we get started, how about a big round of applause for Delton Morton and his fantastic set of funny hats? Great! Thanks. Man, so, I was in Illucia today. Illucia. Talk about a clusterfuck! Why, I had to talk to three NPCs before I could even get to the title screen of the Chocobo Race Java game! Th-three NPCs. Is this thing on? Whew.

Speaking of NPCs, check out this guy. You look about as informative as one and twice as boring to boot! I kid. Sir, what's your name? Andy? Oh, man. We have an Andy, folks! Andy alert! Wee-oo, wee-oo! Hey, Andy, let me guess what you're going to do after you get home tonight. Update the Unofficial Squaresoft Homepage, right? Gonna add some more fanfiction and manual scans to the old website? Hey-o! W-what? Your wife? Huh. Okay, I just -- I just thought that you might be Andrew Vestal or maybe -- what? Oh, he's -- he updates the Unofficial Squaresoft Homepage. He -- just forget about it!

So, yesterday. I'm on the street, minding my own business, and who do I run into? Kupop and his dad! Apparently they flew here from South Figaro on the Falcon. When I asked Kupop if he enjoyed the service on Setzer's ship, he says to me, "Which one is Setzer? Scar guy or cool karate guy?" Let me tell you though, his ol' pop seemed pretty distressed by the lack of homemade sprites!

Y'see, he -- he's only like, eight or something, and he has trouble distinguishing between the characters of the game Final Fantasy VI because he's only like eight or something. His pop helped him with his website. His website is South Figaro, it's... it's a Square Town. Sort of like Illucia; it's... Where are you guys going? I still have twenty minutes up here! C'mon! Throw me a bone! I have some great material about Square usenet groups!

Whew! They told me crowds would be tough here in Kingdom City, Missouri, but, sheesh.

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Fri, 06/19/2009 — Bred N. Butter

A year later, this very same man would have his big break with a little-remembered website called "RockeT CanyoN."

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