Sun, 08/06/2006 — Rev. Ragu

Hi there, Andorers. I'd like to take a moment out of our neverending presidential motorcade of laffs as there is a very serious issue that needs to be addressed. You could say it's the most important gaming issue of our lifetimes. If you come to our site thinking video gaming is just fun and games... Think again.

This generation of consoles is going to be the be-all and end-all of video gaming, period. What happens this time will change gaming forever and perhaps the entire way we see ourselves and others as the tides of this new media revolution rise up like a mile high tsunami, poised to crash upon the land and reshape our world forever. Now, who do you want to control this force of nature? If you had the chance, would you have stopped Hitler from arming Germany in the thirties? Because, let's face it, Sony are a bunch of fascists, there's simply no way around this fact. You could say that their prejudice against 2D games is a lot like how the Nazis were with the Jews, and with their charging of $600 for the console, they might as well be herding us into death camps. Like the Nazis, I was really up on them at first; I mean, Hitler made the trains run on time and Sony gave us Final Fantasy VII (the most important interactive achievement in the last decade), but after my Playstation 2 started giving me Disc Read Errors I simply cannot stand for these brownshirt tactics anymore!

We have an alternative, people. Do you want to see an entire generation of gamers spiritually die in a stream of uninspired Sony pap? Do you want to let down the people who love you the most? Nintendo has always been there for you. Sony only cares about money. Nintendo gave us Mario and Zelda, they deeply care about us. As individuals. As people with souls. Do you want to betray them like some kind of god-damned Quisling? Go with Sony then, but I swear to you that when gaming's equivalent to the Nuremburg trials come along you will be against the wall. To those who care, who understand the stakes, The Wii is going to revolutionize gaming, I mean, you can swing that controller around like you don't have a care in the world and you'll do all kinds of stuff on screen! It's going to make everyone who doesn't care about our art form think "Woah, video games are awesome!" and they'll join us and come over to our houses and play Wii with us and maybe things will get a little bit exciting and there will be a certain bond that forms from this new dimension in interactive entertainment and maybe that bond will be a bit romantic and we can cuddle together while swinging the controller around at Moblins and... Okay, yeah, the Wii is going to be AWESOME.

But the Wii doesn't have the horsepower for some of you people *coughgraphicswhorescough* out there. I admit it! After the past thirty years of human evolution, people just can't get excited about blips and boops and little dots on the screen anymore. Our brains just can't quite operate on that primitive frequency anymore! And Sony has these exciting, high-tech graphics on the PS3, and it's going to lure a lot of woefully misguided fools into their trap. But you know, I've seen the demos for Metal Gear Solid 3 and Final Fantasy XIII and I have to say, I'm not all that impressed! Maybe I'd be impressed if I couldn't already see the mind-blowing graphics of the XBox 360 today rather than waiting for Squeenix's pitiful attempt to take our mind off of the fact that they aren't remaking the most important video game ever like they promised. And quite frankly, Hideo Kojima, if I wanted to see high definition renders of wrinkly old men I would go to the medical imaging ward at the local hospital! By the way, what the fuck was the ending of Metal Gear Solid 2 all about? Seriously dude, whatever.

No, the XBox 360. I made my share of cracks that the XBox was, shall I say, HUGE. But Microsoft has changed their ways. They've stepped up to the plate and showed that they care, that they're the biggest software company ever but they really understand us. They're getting Castlevania Symphony of the Night for the XBox Live arcade now! Isn't that exciting? I'm always wanting to play Symphony of the Night again, but it's such a hassle to pull out the old Playstation again, and besides, Progressive Scan HD dudes! I'm not sure how they'll bring a low-resolution Playstation game up to that standard, but I'm sure Konami and Microsoft will put the utmost care and attention into a budget downloadable port of a nearly ten year old game. Because they care. Oh and it has a bunch of other really cool games too I guess.

So what I propose is that we all join this movement, the "WII60 REVOLUTION". See, the "Revolution" moniker is very appropriate because Nintendo used to call the Wii that, before they got stupid and gave it such a gay name, but it is okay Nintendo: We will love you no matter what. Basically the deal is that instead of spending $600 on Sony's console - which is practically, for all intents and purposes, built on the graves of the six million dead from Nazi war crimes - you can buy a Wii AND and XBox360. For $650, which yeah, you can say is even a bit more than the Playstation 3! But take a gander at the chart on the right and I think you will find yourself sadly mistaken. You're getting a bargain! TWO video game systems for the price of one system and that extended warranty that the game stores give you because Sony makes such shitty systems which disc read error right in the middle of Xenosaga 2 just as you are getting into the torrid psychodramatic thick of things! FUCK I hate you Sony!

Come on, people. You complain about how it's still too expensive, but anyone can afford it really! It's only $650 bucks! I mean, I can easily pull in that much money just saving up the cash grandma gives me to get out of the house! I'm sure you people with jobs can afford two video game systems no problem! What ELSE were you going to spend it on, anyway? I mean, anime DVDs, Playstation 2 games... What else is there? The Playstation 2 is OLD NEWS and you really don't want to be supporting a company like Sony anymore, trust me. And sure, I'm going to have to go on a bit of a "diet", I can't go and buy the latest Eureka Seven DVDs right away, but it will be worth it! This is the most noble of causes. We're making a stand! Letting our voices be heard! We won't let Sony tyrannize us anymore!

And besides, if you don't get them you'll be left out of some of the most exciting video gaming EVER this generation. Will you be able to live with yourself if you can't play the latest games? Come on - make a difference. Change the world. This is the Wii60 Revolution, and you can get crushed against the onslaught of the changing tide or you can join in and be a part of something much bigger than yourself.

Never again, Sony. Never again.


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